Thinking about my Job November 19, 2009

I leave for the fam’s tonight. Still worried about the whole food issue, but I’m thinking of trying to make a dish for the meal as well, so we’ll see how that goes.

The other thing I’m really worried about, and I won’t get too much into it, is being asked my opinion on or being drawn into a discussion of the Ft. H00d shooting. My problem is that my mom simply refers to him as “the terrorist.” My opinion? He’s a piece of shit who happens to be a whacked out fundamentalist Mu$lim. The thing that bothers me is that whacked out fundamentalist Christian$ who shoot doctors who perform abortions and who bomb health clinics that perform abortions in the name of God and who terrorize women for exercising their constitution right to safe reproductive health are not sweepingly labeled as terrorists, when the definition of a terrorist is one who engages in act of terror (of course I know this is a definition in its most simplistic form). Just because he proselytized a crazy and incorrect religious view to his patients doesn’t make him any more a terrorist than a Chri$tian shrink who does the same thing. It makes him a bad doctor. It makes him a dangerous doctor. Don’t mistake this for me thinking that what he did was okay–which is how my parents will interpret this–but I think it’s dangerous, even during war-time, and perhaps even more dangerous during war-time, to pass judgment on an entire group. No Mu$lim groups that I have heard have endorsed this act. I think it’s unfortunate that he happened to be a fundamentalist Mu$lim given the current climate because if he were a Jesus freak, no one would be batting an eye. It’d be simply a random act of violence. Once all the facts are in, if it turns out that he did this specifically as an act of jihaD or admits to it as such, then I will change my tune. But until then, I’d rather just think of him as the horrible, odious, piece of shit human being he is, religious views notwithstanding. And this is probably what I should say when the subject is brought up, because especially since the SB is in Afghanistan, it almost inevitably will.

Enough of that. I don’t want to give that asshole any more attention and I really don’t want a bunch of people to end up here and jump in on this because of the topic. And I apologize if I offended anyone for altering the spellings of religious practitioners in those two groups. Again, I don’t want a bunch of hits for these things which is why I haven’t even discussed the topic.

I feel like I should offer a warning now in that I feel like a lot of my posts in the near future might be dealing with me struggling through this “Maude is a comp teacher” issue. Those of you who are comp teachers, do you have any book suggestions that might help me work through some of my struggles? I mean, is there a book out there like, So, You’re a Comp Teacher Now type thing? (the SB has a So Now You’re a Vegetarian book). Just please don’t suggest any Peter Elbow. I despise him. I don’t even know if he’s still relevant. The book of his we had to read for my comp/rhet class–that was the only time I ever went into a grad class and told the instructor, “I didn’t read this. I got 20 pages in, figured out that he was full of shit and was so angered by him, I couldn’t go any further.” And it was like 300+ pages, too. The thing that concerns me a lot about this issue and this struggle, too, and who knows, maybe by the time I get to teaching major classes in my field, these things may work themselves out, and maybe it seems especially hard now since I have 4 writing classes, but I’m supposed to take over the Writing Program Administrator job in the fall. I knew this when I was hired that this would be part of my job. The faculty all rotate through this position, and I get a course release and an additional stipend for being the WPA, but I worry how good of a job I’m actually going to do at it.

Part of me really worries about getting stuck in a rut already, that the time and energy I’m going to be putting into the Writing Program, both as the administrator and with 50-75% of my classes being writing classes, I’m worried about this keeping me from the things I love to study and the things I want to write about. I know it doesn’t have to be that way. I know it’s up to me to make the time to keep up with my field and be productive in my field, but if 75% of my job is going to be this other field, I mean, I’m going to be expected to devote more time to that, right? I don’t want to put myself in a position where this becomes my life. Again, not because I do not value writing or comp/rhet programs, it doesn’t make my any happier than I would imagine a person who is in comp/rhet would be at having to teach Moby-Dick every semester for 2-4 classes a semester, or likewise someone who studies 20th century Brit Lit would be at having to teach Ben Franklin every semester for the majority of her classes. Sure, they could probably grow to tolerate and appreciate it’s importance, but their heart wouldn’t be into I imagine. Or maybe I much less dynamic than others.

Again, things might change in the coming year when I am teaching majors. I might find my groove here once I get into actually teaching in my field. I’m certainly not ready to pass judgment yet or throw in the towel. I am trying to remain hopeful that regardless of the number of writing classes or being the WPA, I will still be able to devote the time and energy I want to my field. The other thing that concerns me, that I can totally see happening is that if it turns out that I am unhappy, that I am not able to remain active in my field because my job is 75% comp/rhet, that I will, as vulgar as this sounds, be stuck here, and mostly because I like the area. I can’t imagine leaving the area, and I’m worried about becoming complacent and not doing what I need to do that would, if the time comes, make making a move more likely. I know, too, just because I may want to move, doesn’t mean that I will be able to, especially if the job trends in my field continue. But the only way I will be able to even consider another place down the road means that I need some kick ass pubs, and I worry that if almost all of my energy is going toward something else, if this is even possible, and if it’s possible for me to avoid putting myself in or ending up in such a situation.

This is not to say I’m ungrateful for my job, or even necessarily unhappy yet or that there is even ever a chance of me making anything other than a lateral move. And I know that in the next year or two I may absolutely be positively happy in my life and my job that this might be a moot point. But I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing to be thinking about these things anyway. I mean, what if I do end up with triplets and a job opens up near family? I’d at least like to be able to have a shot at other opportunities should they arise, right? It doesn’t mean it will happen. Anyway, I guess I should get ready for school.  I have more thoughts, but I’ll save those for later.

Hump Day, Yay! November 18, 2009

Yesterday I wore a turtleneck that when I bought it three or four weeks ago was a little tight. The next size up looked ridiculously huge, so I took a gamble. It pulled around the biceps and across my shoulders. The turtleneck was uncomfortable, and it revealed bulges. But it was the only turtleneck I had that was cotton and didn’t have holes in it. Even two weeks ago when I wore it, I had the same issues. But again, only turtleneck without holes. However, yesterday was a completely different story! I was afraid that because it was still tight two weeks ago that I had shrunk it in the dryer. Apparently not! I had all this room in my arms. Nothing pulled. I didn’t have to keep pulling at the sleeves to keep the shoulder seam from cutting into my armpit. I didn’t have to tug at the turtleneck. Finally, I’m getting somewhere.

Pants, on the other hand, are a different story. I am smack dab in between sizes. I like my pants to fit. I mean really fit. I don’t like them baggy. I don’t like the crotch seam to hang. I really only like to have to wear a belt for its accessorizing purposes, not for its functionality. So right now, by the end of the day, my pants are sagging. However, when I went to try on the next size down, they are too tight. We’re talking obscene. So that’s a little frustrating. I know it takes the lower body longer to slim down than the upper body because there’s more there, but as you know, I am not a patient person. I want to be at that next lower size now! But, I will make that my goal for my birthday. If I can get into those clothes by my birthday, then that will be the smallest I’ve been on a birthday since I went to South America. I will weigh more; however, at this point I have significantly more muscle than I did then.

Exciting stuff, eh? I know you’re riveted.

It is imperative that I do laundry tonight after I work out. If I don’t, I will be short on underwear for my trip. I will have no workout clothes either. And no clean jeans. Or socks. So yes, I think imperative might be the right word. Perhaps urgent might better describe my laundry needs. I’ve almost had to resort to wearing the underwear SB left here. Yes, laundry tonight.

I haven’t had a chance to talk to the SB in a few days. He’s been swamped at work, which I think sounds funny since his job is in a war zone, but he’s been administering swine flu shots among other things. Has a bunch of meetings and stuff. Hasn’t had time to get the internet hooked up in his “living container.” I wish he had time. I hope he has time soon so I can see his face. I miss his face. His skin is kinda dry, so even though he’s only 35, he has some pretty deep crow’s feet already, and I love them. I love the lines of his face so much. They are my lines.

I haven’t thought or looked at the Green Stripe chapter since last week. Pathetic. I need to work on it. This weekend will be a bust–I’ll be at the fam’s. Maybe I can muster the courage to work on it over Thanksgiving. I almost have to if I’m going to send it out, even in its pathetic state because I have to do something. Crap, I have to sift through paper proposals, even my panels even got any, too. Argh.

Sleep Helps with Perspective November 17, 2009

I feel a little better this morning for two reasons: 1) I got more than five hours sleep last night (which is actually a record as far as Sunday nights go, btw); 2) Heu Mihi and Dr. Crazy really helped me put some things into perspective (thank you). I’m glad to know that at least what I feel and the way that this semester is going, that well, it’s sorta normal at this stage in my career.

It’s true that I don’t think that most of my students are dullards who care no more about a college degree than the paper it’s printed on, though it may seem like that. I know I’m way too hung up on the ones who are affecting the class and me negatively, namely the texters, and it seems like the vast majority of each of the four classes (particularly in the writing/survey class) just aren’t doing the work, which might change since a few are in danger of failing, but I’m not holding my breath. I made it extremely clear during their conferences that it was up to them if they were even going to have a chance at passing. It was out of my hands. We’ll see. But I know this isn’t true for *all* of them. I have some students who are making As and Bs who come talk to me about what they can do to be better writers, who want to know what they can do to write better in class essays. I should be letting them bring me up, not the others bring me down. I think one of the things I have to come to terms with is that I’m now a writing teacher. I don’t want to be; I know that sounds bad, but at least half of my life here will be teaching writing, and I need to accept that and work with it, not against it. As long as I’m at this institution, that is who I am.*

What sort of amuses me about all of this, my griping, my insecurities, my inability to figure out what the hell I’m doing, is that all through this, my office mate, who is in there during part of the conferences I’ve been having, has been bragging about me to other people in the department about how good I am in teaching students and how he’s impressed with the way I talk to them about their papers, and how they respond to me. What’s even more ridiculous is what I think about this which is, “how come he got a Mac and I didn’t?” It’s really nice of him to say that. I mean, I’m sure he’s being genuine, and I should take it as a sign then that if I’m not on the right track, at the very least I’m somewhere near it moving toward it. That I at least don’t look like the very fraud and ineffective professor I think I am. And I have been getting little bits of validation here and there lately. I should embrace this good.  Which just inspired me to order two books by the Dalai Lama on happiness and anger. I need all the help I can get right now. Any excuse to order books to help me procrastinate under the guise of taking care of myself. I love amazon prime and free two day shipping.

Switching gears…

I am so glad that I spent the money on Friday to get new running shoes. It seemed a little hasty, like maybe if I had pushed it and not really run, I could have made it until the first of the month, but oh, I’m so glad that I bought them! I think I was getting a shin splint, and now that pain has gone away! I haven’t felt that side of my left shin since I bought the new shoes. Oh happy day! The other fantastic thing is that as a result, I’ve been able to speed up my pace a little bit, too, in that for most of the hour that I run, I’m under a 10 minute pace! I have not been able to run like that since the wedding. It’s not remarkable or anything; however, for me, it means that I’m slowly getting back to where I was. It sucks having to back track like this, and I’m trying not to focus on where I could have been or where I should be (hmmmm, I see a distinct pattern here in my life, teaching, running, scholarship–all tied up in the same emotions and issues. Interesting), but this is where I am now (maybe I didn’t need to order those Dalai Lama books after all). My trainer has me lifting heavier weights than I’ve ever lifted (which she insists still isn’t “heavy” lifting), so at least my fitness goals are progressing even if other things seem like they aren’t. What will be nice is that this year I can finally leave “getting in shape” off of the New Year’s goals (as I hate the term “resolution) because I already am doing that. The fewer things I have on my plate at this point, the better.

There are times like now that I’m sorta glad that the SB isn’t here to see me a mess like this, to see me struggling so. Although, he saw me struggle and cry and moan and freak out all during the dissertating process, but this seems different. I know in many ways it would be easier to deal with all of this if he were here; I’d have some kind of support system nearby, someone cheering me on, like he always does. And I know the poor man worries as much about me as I worry about him, but I do really need to cut myself some slack for missing him. I think I said this yesterday, but it is as ridiculous to me that I’m not over his being gone as it is that I think I should be over this. I need to be okay with missing him. I need to be okay with being sad about it. I need to be okay with acknowledging that this fuck!ng suck$ a$$ and that I’m allowed to feel all of this and be sad and mope when I need to, and that I can only do so much. What I need to learn is that it’s okay if I falter, and that it’s okay if I can’t *do* everything or *be* everything all the time. That is okay, right?

*This is in no way a slight against comp/rhet teachers. Or a slight against the importance of comp, particularly freshman comp classes. Even though most of my teaching career has been teaching freshman comp, it still is not my strength. It is where I am the least comfortable, where I feel I do the least amount of good. And since I’m human, I’m inclined to dislike the things I’m least good at. And I don’t mean to sound like I’m “making the best of a bad situation,” not true. Rather, I’m dealing with trying to figure out how to be this other kind of professor I’d never thought I’d be, even knowing the realities of the job market when I was applying for jobs. I know most jobs out there mirror the kind of job I have. It’s fine. And perhaps this is because right now I have FOUR writing classes. FOUR! There is not one day where I’m in my comfort zone here, and I have to figure out how to navigate that. Next semester though I will have one class in my field. That may make all the difference. It may not. We’ll see in a few months.

Another Monday November 16, 2009

Once again I had a very difficult time falling asleep last night. Now it could be I spend my Sundays as such a couch potato and loafing around that I’m too relaxed for bed and thus not tired and my body just won’t be forced to go to sleep. I’m not sure if I buy that because I ran 6.1 miles yesterday, so I burned off a lot of energy, and I was tired; I just couldn’t sleep. This is the 3rd or 4th Sunday in a row this has happened.

I’m more concerned that this is a subconscious signal about my job. This used to happen when I worked for Asshat Insurance Agency, though sleepless Sunday nights were usually accompanied by nausea. These are not. It could be that I’m just tired from the semester and ready for it to be over. And it’s hard for me to gage right now whether I’m happy here because I’m sad at the SB being gone, and it’s hard to compartmentalize things since everything is colored by the fact that he’s gone. And who knows, after a month off, I could be all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to teach and do great things again. I guess we’ll see come end of January.

I’ve just never been surrounded by so many students who are so not intellectually curious. Perhaps it was the way at Grad City U and since I only taught two classes I didn’t see it. They cannot even be bothered to get my name right, and I’m not even talking about the “Dr.” vs. “Ms.” part. I’m simply now (in the 11th week of the semester) “Ms. Ski.” I am perhaps being too hard on them; I know I’m not at an R1 or regional state U, and I know I have to work through the “not all students were/are students like me” bit, too, but I mean, I don’t know. This place, at least judging by this semester, very much seems like a means to an end for these kids. Gimme my degree so I can get a job, which is fine, but at least put a little bit of effort into *earning* that degree please. Again, maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe expecting them to show up with their books is expecting too much. And again, maybe I really am an elitist snob and not a very good teacher. That seems like a definite possibility.

Maybe I’m projecting and upset at my own recent lack of intellectual curiosity since I haven’t done anything scholarly in a year. Not even a conference. Maybe I see in them what I see in myself and my own lack of work to remedy the situation and I’m just disgusted all around. I mean, I can’t even keep my refrigerator box sized apartment clean and organized, how can I expect to produce anything academic? I know it’s an adjustment, and perhaps it’s an unreasonable expectation on myself to think that I can adjust to and cope with the SB being gone, teaching four classes, research, cleaning, dealing with financial douchery, grading, working out, being in a new place still with no friends, and to do this all at once. If I were more organized, I’d be able to handle it I keep thinking. So why not get more organized? Because to get organized seems like another thing to deal with on top of all the other things I’m trying to keep up with just to keep my head above water. I guess it’s getting better, but it just doesn’t seem like it’s enough. Ever. Can all I hope for right now is to just cope, which I think I am. I mean, I get up, I make it to class on time; I’m moderately prepared most days to teach (I haven’t been unprepared yet and had to wing it, though today I’m close to that); I’ve been making to the gym at a minimum of 4 times a week for the past three weeks, which if I weren’t coping, I wouldn’t be able to do that, right? I get the grading done, even if it’s at the last minute. I’ve been able to make breakfast on school mornings for the last three weeks and manage to get lunch made at least twice a week. That’s something right?

So I’m just really beating myself up over a couple of things–lack of research, inability to actually clean and get organized, and being sad. Those three are holding almost equal weight right now. I’m really upset that I’m still sad over the SB being gone, which is ridiculous because why shouldn’t I be profoundly affected by this? I feel like since I’m doing all these things to cope, namely working out and eating a good diet, I shouldn’t be sad anymore which is irrational and ridiculous. Like I thought I just wouldn’t be sad anymore, and I’m really not cutting myself any slack for that. I mean, duh, he’s gone. I tell myself, “look crybaby, it’s been three weeks since you’ve seen him. you’ll see him again in about 7 months. He’ll be home in 10. get over yourself already. what’s your damn problem?” Like three weeks is really enough time. I mean, I don’t cry all the time like I did in September, but rather I just feel sadness. Mostly it’s tucked away in the back of my mind; I’m almost always aware that he’s gone. But I don’t know why I keep telling myself that I should be over it already. Not even a month has passed since he actually left. I don’t know why I can’t cut myself some slack here and allow myself to just be sad over this. It just seems irrational both that I feel like it should be okay that I’m still sad and also that I still shouldn’t be sad. Does that make sense? I don’t sugarcoat that he’s gone. I straight up tell people, “yeah, it fucking sucks.” Unless I don’t feel like getting into a discussion about it because I don’t think that most “are you doing okay questions” are about whether I’m doing okay but rather the question is more for the asker–they want their own feelings of helplessness allayed and want to hear that you’re fine so they don’t have to invest too much emotional energy in your well-being. I mean, this isn’t always true, but I think it is true most of the time on some level. I don’t think it’s a conscious thing and probably comes from the right place. Anyway…

I would love nothing more than to call in sick today, actually. I have sick days I can use. But I don’t think I’d do anything productive with it like clean or anything. If I thought I would be productive, then I might, but I won’t be, which means I should get ready now.

Bricks and Temples November 15, 2009

I’ve started a few blog posts already, and they all seem the same. They are all filled with the mantra “I’m tired.”

I’m not physically tired. I’m mentally spent. I’m emotionally spent. I have invested a lot of emotional energy in my classes this semester, and I’m not sure it was worth it. I think I spent too much too early, and now I’m just tired of the semester. I’m tired of dealing with the SB being gone. I wish there were a way to ignore that. Granted, it’s gotten easier, but it’s been exhausting just even getting to this point. I’m tired of dealing with the fucked up money situation. The problem goes beyond being able to pay the bills because as there are bills we can’t pay, our already low credit score (which I was supposed to be able to be paying things off by now and get our credit back on the upswing) will just keep getting lower which means we’ll be stuck in this apartment and not able to buy a house. In the shorter term, this means I have no money to put into savings so we can have a honeymoon in June. This means that that honeymoon might not include Greece and Paris, and I soooooooo need for it to include Greece and Paris. We need this honeymoon.

I’m trying to reign in the spending. But as I play catch-up, I get behind. I feel bad about the gym and the training, but the SB spends as much time as I do trying to convince me that it’s a legit expense and we should budget for it because we both know without it, I’m going to be spending that money on doctor’s appointments and medicines and will most likely spend more $ buying things I don’t need in an attempt to fill the void and to try to make me feel better and will be a dangerous much more expensive cycle to break. It’s not like I’m spending that money every month on facials and superfluous spa treatments, though I think being able to get a massage once a month at the least might help; however, that’s not my point. I guess what I need to resign myself to is figuring out how to pay all the bills and save, even if it’s just a little bit, on what we have now while we wait for things to get straightened out rather than getting upset every two weeks when it’s not fixed. I’ve already got my plane ticket for the holidays. I’ve got enough right now to get just about everything taken care of. I think I need to realize that I can do this; I have to do this. Otherwise things are just going to get worse.

Rather than being frustrated, I’m now just depressed about the whole situation. It’s just not right. He’s in a war; he shouldn’t have to be going to the finance office once a week and having to worry about this. There’s nothing I can do, no one I can call, no one I can go see about this to get it straightened out. We will get the back pay, but the point is, we need that money now, not months from now. I’m feeling very much like I’m in “The Open Boat” right now: “When it occurs to a man that nature [finance office of the military] does not regard him as important, he at first wishes to throw bricks at the temple, but he hates deeply the fact that there are no bricks and no temples.” This is where I’m at right now. And I guess that’s as good a reason as any to go for a run.

Bleh. November 14, 2009

I had a long post about all the things that are annoying me right now, but I deleted it and decided to spare you the annoyance, which it would have been annoying.

But I’m glad I got it out. Now I just feel like crying. There are two big things affecting my mood right now. One is whether I’ve worked out, and the other is whether I’ve talked to the SB or not. I have gotten really cranky on days when neither of those have happened. If I work out, I’m better able to handle not talking to the SB. This really fucking sucks man. War sucks anyway, but this makes it sucks more.

The other thing that really sucks is that either last week the scale was screwed up and I didn’t lose four pounds and is then correct this week or I’m retaining a lot of water because I worked out hard last week and ate better than I did the week before, and the scale was almost three pounds heavier this morning than last week. And I know that’s not right. I mean, I’m trying really hard not to get tied up on numbers and to go right now with how my clothes fit and how I’m feeling to keep me motivated, but at some point I have to worry about the numbers since part of the goal is to lose weight, and I can’t figure out, how, if my clothes aren’t tighter, I gained three pounds working out like I have and eating like I have. All I can think is that with the amount I’ve been working out, I haven’t been getting enough water and I’m retaining. Because last week I was excited and hopeful and motivated, and this week it doesn’t seem fair, so I hope it’s water weight. I really hope it’s water weight. I don’t need this to be a set back.

It is a little hard to tell with my clothes though because even though I’ve been losing weight, my clothes–pants in particular have been getting tighter, but I think I shrink them every time I dry them because I have to take my clothes to the laundromat, and while I don’t dry them on high, I think medium heat for those big dryers is probably what would be high heat on a non-commercial dryer. The thing that makes me suspicious, too, is that my clothes are fading, so the heat must be too high, and all my pants are cotton and lycra, so that’s easy to shrink. Maybe I am just deluding myself, too. I bought new running shoes yesterday, and the shoe the woman put me in is similar to the shoe I bought in August, but all the shoes I’ve been in before that have been for severe over pronators and this one is for moderate over pronators, but she said the Asics were the wrong shoe for me, but I think these might be similar. But I mean, this was an actually running store, and I tried the shoes out on the treadmill, and maybe the last time I bought shoes from a running store it made a difference that I was 30 pounds heavier. Anyway, the woman said to do my first run on the treadmill and see how I felt. If something comes up that didn’t come up during the little run at the store, I can bring them back and we’ll go from there. I am glad that I finally found an actual running store. And because I have a gym membership, I get 10% everything but final sale merchandise. Turns out the woman who sold me the shoes used to work at the gym I go to and knows my trainer. And honestly, all my problems that come up during running are not going to go away until I get an 25-30 pounds off of me. I won’t be able to run a marathon or get my body to do what it wants until I can drop more weight. If my knees and hips were normal, it wouldn’t be a problem Women a lot heavier than me have run marathons without injury or issue, but for my body, it ain’t happening. And they did have a killer sale going on, too, so that was cool.

I guess since it’s raining, today’s the perfect day to stay in and clean, right, for once and for all. Maybe I’ll stop at the store and get stuff to make more chili today, and I can work on getting stuff done around this apartment. The dogs seem content to sleep the rainy day away, so that’s a good sign. It means they are feeling better. The Divine Miss T is rather quiet, and she’s at her most quiet when she’s content and doesn’t have an upset stomach. We’ll see if we can make it through the weekend without incident.

I think I might eat breakfast now.

Still so Tired November 13, 2009

Even after a nice big broccoli dinner, an afternoon nap, and eight and a half hours of sleep last night, I still feel like I’ve been hit by a truck this morning. I really don’t like that I’ve spent the last week grumpy and tired and complaining about my students. I feel bad about that. I have a couple who are really good students. About one in each of the four classes. And I don’t think my standards are that high either. You should be able to put your phone away for 85 minutes. And after our meeting on Tuesday, I don’t like where I think the college’s policy on cell phone use is headed since students are claiming that they are addicted to texting with the implication being that we can’t really penalize them for an “addiction.” Yes, I know there is research out there discussing texting addictions, internet and gaming addictions, etc., but then if a student is addicted to texting, the same rules should still apply. People who are addicted to cigarettes are not allowed to smoke in class. Students who are addicted to alcohol are not allowed to come to class drunk or drink in class. Same with drugs, sex, porn, etc. These behaviors, addictions or not, are not allowed in the classroom setting, so why should students be allowed to disrupt class with texting because they are making claims of addiction? And since the college is so concerned with retention, a couple of us fear that is something that is going to be tolerated just to keep the students happy and at the college since a few people have asked for a college wide policy on cell phone use in the classroom, which it would be fine if it were like smoking or drinking that the college says it is not allowed, but again, a few of us are concerned that this is not the position the college will take. I mean, people at my old job would get written up and fired for even having their cell phones on their desks during work hours–a texting addiction is not something that would tolerated at most companies. Argh. I’m just annoyed at where I think this issue is going to go. And my fears are not unfounded as my office mate has expressed similar concerns.

Everyone at the college seems to be complaining about their students, too, and I keep getting told that this is a really odd semester that no one ever has complaints about students on such a wide scale as the profs do this semester. And most of these people think it has to do with this retention issue and simply with getting numbers up. I can appreciate the fact that we have a surplus, that I have a job, but the school, right now, is accepting anyone basically who can spell his name correctly. They have dramatically lowered the standards. Now, I think that everyone has a right to an education and a college education at that, but when you start accepting students who are flunking out of other places, either due to academic reasons or laziness or whatever, then the quality of education offered I think is seriously affected. Students are lamenting the fact that they are in classes that they feel like are high school classes where the professor has to spend half the class period addressing behavioral issues that are disrupting the class rather than teaching the material they are paying to learn. But no one wants to hear that because we are down 50 freshman from last year, but we’ve increased the transfers–which again are mostly students who are flunking out of the community college, but we’ve lowered the standards so that they can get into the college transferring with Ds and Fs. It’s ridiculous and disheartening. I want to teach, not regulate classroom behaviors for 40 minutes before getting to the text. Is that too much to ask? Am I being too elitist here? I mean, it’s not like I came from a fancy place either. I mean, I think the highest of my standards is that I expect them to do the work, and the fact that I expect them to come to class prepared is what is causing the problems. And I keep being told by other faculty members that it’s not me, it’s the semester. And I know that the reason the school was able to hire me is because they were able to bring in all of these transfer students. But that reality makes me sad.

Maybe it’s that I’m just not that great a teacher. I’m better at it than other things I’ve tried to do, but maybe it’s just that I’m not very good at all.

Switching gears…

SB should have a skype account and internet in his room by the end of the day today! Yay! That means now I will be able to see him and will be able to talk to him for free, or at least for $60/mo as that is what his internet will cost him, but hey, I told him we could budget $100/mo for him to have internet if that’s what it takes for us to be able to talk regularly. I do feel like $60 is high though. I understand that it costs money to have internet in Afghanistan, but the internet is run by KBR (and they are so good at taking care of soldiers, read sarcasm), I can’t imagine it costs them that much a month to have internet on the private side, so let’s fleece the soldiers because they know most of them would pay that or more to be able to talk to their loved ones on a regular basis. I despise KBR anyway. It seems that internet should be cheaper everywhere–I feel I pay too much for it here, but maybe, like with my teaching, my standards are too high and I’m an elitist snob.

It is a windy dreary day today. I’m having trouble motivating myself to go to the gym. I will go today at some point. I know it will relieve my tired cranky grumpiness and will help with stress, and I have promised the trainer I would make it to the gym today to do my tricep and bicep workout, and I need to run and bang out some massive cardio here today, too. And I think I need new running shoes. Can I afford them? No. Was I going to wait? Yes. But I have a pain in my leg that is shoe related, meaning that pains like this are usually indicators that it’s time for new shoes. And I have to go to a particular shopping area today to get my face cleanser and go to the grocery, and I just found out there’s a running store in the area, staffed by people who actually run and know their product (unlike mall stores who are staffed with people who know very little about running shoes for actual runners and generally have little more than a large selection of the same type of Nike and Under Armor shoes, which I know few people who are serious runners run in those brands, unless they are of course sponsored by those brands). And my legs have hurt since last Sunday, and I haven’t run since then, and that could account for some of my recent grumpiness. I have worked out, but I haven’t actually run.

So perhaps I should get going so I can do all that stuff I need to do?

Tired November 12, 2009

I hate to keep griping, but I am so ready for this semester to be the fuck over. I have an extremely negative attitude toward some of the students I have to meet with today. I suspect at least two of the first three scheduled to come by this morning won’t show up. If they do, fine, I don’t have anything to talk to them about anyway. No drafts for essay 2. And they forfeited their chances for revision of essay one by doing the same thing they did last time–no draft for peer review. So I don’t know what they want me to do about this for them. I know what I will do–nothing–but I don’t know what they are expecting, and I don’t feel like dealing with them.

Then little miss “I can not afford to get less then a B” is supposed to come in today, too–Miss “this essay is my opinion so I should be able to talk about how these characters remind me of my dad in this essay because my opinion is the same thing as analysis.” Argh. NO. Every time I go over this in class, you are too busy talking or whatever. I know it’s bad, but about half of the students scheduled to come in today, I have no desire at all to help. I really don’t because their idea of “help” is me doing the work for them. No. And this, “so if I just do this, then I get an A.” No. It doesn’t work like that. You still have to do it well. And you know what, I went over this stuff in class, again, numerous times, and you were too busy to pay attention. I’m not doing anything else for you.

Clearly I have a bad attitude and am anticipating the worst. Maybe it won’t be terrible, but I just don’t want to have to deal with this today. I’m grumpy. I got no sleep again last night. I think it’s because I had vegan green tea ice cream, and I didn’t think about the fact that it was green tea and had caffeine until it was after midnight and I was still wide awake. I made it to my training session, and I’m wiped out. It would have been so much better had I been able to sleep. Now I’m just tired and annoyed that I have to deal with asshats. Maybe they won’t be asshats today, but given their behavior in the past, it definitely stands to reason that this might be the case today.

I thought my downstairs neighbors moved, but it sounds like someone is having sex down there, and it’s driving the Red Rocket bananas! He is really upset by the noises coming up through the floor. The both are going nuts over whatever this whine is going on below us. It’s only bothering me in that it’s making the dogs crazy. I really wish I could take a little nap right now.Maybe I need more coffee. I’m just so mad that I couldn’t sleep last night. And I am so ready for the semester to be over. I’m just tired.

Clearing My Brain Before Bed November 11, 2009

I’m not sure I’m going to have a chance to blog in the morning, but I’m tired but I feel like there’s a lot of stuff rolling around in my brain that I probably won’t be able to shut off when it’s time for bed. Which I need to go to bed early because I have to meet with my trainer at 5 am tomorrow morning. And it’s good that I’m meeting with her early; I have a long day tomorrow–more student conferences. There are a handful of students coming in tomorrow who I do not want to talk with. The first three didn’t bother to turn in drafts. One of them emailed me today to tell me that ‘OMG, I just realized that I’m doing really bad in your class. I really need to pass your class because I’m on the hockey team and if I want to stay on the hockey team, I have to pass your class. I’m sorry that I haven’t been doing well.” Yeah, there are five weeks left of class; you’ve had 10 weeks to work hard to make sure that you stay on the hockey team. I love this time of the semester where all of a sudden I *need* to help students get the grades they *want* because they cannot *afford* to get lower than a B or *need* to pass to stay on the hockey team. Puhleese. I love how all of this is over email, too. Not one has stopped by my office to actually talk to me about this. Now it’s my responsibility to help them get the grade they want. Whatev. I’m just tired. I mean, I do feel bad because I feel like I am filled with such vitriol toward some of my students. I’m so done with this semester. I’m so ready for the semester to be over. I know that’s bad, right, my first semester on the t-t? That’s a bad sign isn’t it? But it is that time of the semester isn’t it? The time when we all want it to be over, when we are tired of dealing with students who are realizing that they are going to fail and suddenly want you to bend over backwards and assign extra credit because they are now “willing to do whatever it takes to get a passing grade.” Puhleeeeeeeeeze.

I’m annoyed with this whole pre–Thanksgiving thing, too. I was excited about going, but I really can’t afford to, but I feel guilted into it; my aunt and uncle have already used the points to get the plane ticket; it’s all set. My mom is upset now because she thinks I was bullied into going because she knows I can’t say no when I feel like I’m expected to live up to some family obligation because it’s either be made to feel guilty about not being able to budget for kenneling the dogs when they’re willing to use frequent flyer miles to get me a ticket, or now since I’m going it’s is inevitably going to come out down the line that I felt obligated to go, so they are going to feel bad and I’m going to have to feel guilty for making them feel bad. I am more stressed out about this trip now that I’m going. Argh. I told my mom it would be fine as long as I didn’t have to take abuse for my diet. But now she thinks something’s wrong with me because I told her I woke up one morning and found egg whites nasty and that I tried to eat them again and I wanted to barf, that I just randomly developed a physical aversion to eggs and that the thought of eggs makes me sick so I don’t eat eggs. Now she thinks I have a medical condition. I told her I’m sure it’s stress related. And I told her that eggs are not necessary for human existence. I mean, there are lots of things to eat out there that aren’t eggs. So I’m like why, if I’m stressed and my body is saying “this is bad for you and I’m telling you it is because you’re stressed and you need to eat better” uh, isn’t that a good thing then? I’m not telling you not to eat eggs if you want to. There are better places to find protein than eggs. I’ve never liked eggs anyway. I won’t eat an egg unless it’s in some sort of omelette form and has, at a minimum, cheese and ketchup on it to cover up the egg taste. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. It amazes me that my family thinks that I must be starving then because I am not consuming meat, fish, dairy, or eggs, that those are the only food groups that exist, and how can I possibly even make a dinner that does not have a chicken breast or a cheese laden dish as the center of it. What on earth could I possibly be eating? How can I possibly be getting enough protein. Like I keep telling my trainer, even on the days when I don’t have some sort of meat substitute, I still get 50 grams of protein a day, at a minimum. It’s exhausting. No wonder I’m tired. I wonder still why, after all these years, my family cannot just let me be me. I’ve been resisting their attempts to make me conform to what they want pretty much since I was about 2, and yet they still persist.  I wish my Grannie were still here. She’d tell them all to back off. She at least came around. I really miss her.

I thought the SB was going to call tonight. I guess he’s still sleeping or he’s at work or getting ready for work. I was hoping to talk to him. I miss him. I wish he were going to the fam’s with me. Not that I need someone to stand up for me around my family (or maybe I do if I get pressured into a trip), but they just wouldn’t bother me as much with him around. What would happen would be that they would pull him aside and drill him about my health and eating habits and he’d say “she the healthiest person I’ve ever met!” and they would believe him and leave me alone. I just really miss him. Maybe it’s hitting me now that he’s not going to be around for the holidays this year. I mean, that sucks. Our first holiday as a married couple and we spend it apart. That fucking sucks. I don’t want to think about that now.

I’ve been crying the past couple of days. I think it’s PMS. It seems a bit early for that. I’m considering going back on the pill, even though I hate the idea of the pill, but my face man, and my back are starting to break out, and well, I gotta get that under control, and I know it’s cycle related because, well, my face and back only break out during certain times of the month. I’m a hot mess tonight. And I guess I really need to get to bed. I feel a little bit better now, and 4:30 is going to come awfully quickly. I know I’ll feel better once I’m done working out in the morning and it will help with my long day ahead, and even though I get up around 5 or 5:30 anyway, 4:30 just seems so very early.

Thanks for listening.

TGIHump Day November 11, 2009

I survived the first round of conferences. 15 students. 1 didn’t show, but called to say he was sick. Another, after saying in class 4 times and writing my office information on the board went to class and sat there and showed up 7 minutes 12 minutes late to a 15 minute conference. I was pissed. I had a meeting at 2:30, and told her she had to come back on Tuesday. And the first 6 or students, a mixture of male and female, did nothing but stare at my chest. I don’t know why. I was not wearing a low cut shirt–it was a scoop neck–it was loose, and it was dark. It was plain. There was no writing. There was no reason for their eyes to even want to drift down there. I’m really kind of freaked out by this. When I’m standing then in class, and they are sitting, their eyes are crotch level, and well, I must be really naive to think that they are listening to me and not “checking me out.” It was a bit creepy. I mean, almost half of them just stared at my chest. Weird.

I really wish I had the day off of school today. Lame, I know, but I’m tired. I always think that conferences are nice because I don’t actually have to teach, but it’s the still the same. I still have to talk to people, to teach, even though it’s just one-on-one which doesn’t always have to be exhausting, but is. One student–ONE STUDENT–took notes about her paper during the conference. One came in and said, “I couldn’t remember everything you told me the last time we talked so I did my best.” Uh, yeah, because you didn’t write down one thing I said. Another student was a little mad when I said, like 8 times, that an observation is not an analysis. Yes, it’s true that the two texts you are looking at were written 100 years apart. You can’t write a whole paper just telling me that. That tells me nothing about your understanding of the text at all other than you read the intro that gave the dates the texts were written. Oh, one’s a letter and one’s a journal you say? I read the text, too. I’m aware of their format. This is NOT an argument. You have no opinion of the text, according to this paper. “My opinion is that they were written during two different time periods.” Argh. You know, it’s not like I didn’t spend days going over analysis. I didn’t spend hours critiquing journals and giving feedback on drafts, or I don’t spend every single class period explaining and pointing out that what we do when we talk about the text is analyze it. And then to get pissy with me because I won’t let you write a paper that is plot summary, well, tomorrow is the last day to drop. Take advantage of it. Please.

I know that’s wrong. If these students just weren’t “getting it,” I’d be more willing to help. But these are the same ones who talk to each other during the entire class period and text and give me lip. My time can be better spent on the students who are there to learn. I do not need to go “above and beyond” for you.

Argh. But that’s okay because as a class, I don’t have to see them all together until the Monday before Thanksgiving.

I have a little bit of anxiety about going to my aunt and uncle’s for the pre-Thanksgiving dinner. It doesn’t matter if I told them I’m allergic to dairy (which I do actually have an allergy–sometimes it affects me more than others), they are still going to try to force me to eat things laden with milk and cheese because “it’s good for me” and “just a little won’t make you sick.” Actually, yes, after not having had any dairy in over a month, a little bit will make me ill. And if it was truly good for me, it wouldn’t make my system feel like it was in a vice almost immediately after eating it, and I’m not going to take a whole box of Lactaid for a meal. (When the allergy is really bad, I have to take like 6 just for a slice of cheese. That’s not right.) And I’m not going to spend the whole weekend sick either. I’m obviously already feeling defensive and anxious about this. I’m glad I’m allergic to dairy because it makes the transition to as close to vegan as I can get (rathe I guess I should classify myself as a strict vegetarian because I still wear leather and wool) easier because it just makes me ill. But I’m so filled with anxiety about this. I thought I wasn’t going to have to deal with it until christmas. I’m sure it will be okay. Plus, I don’t think I should have to take a box of Lactaid for a meal just to avoid hurting my family’s feelings, which is how they interpret not eating dairy. I swear, they’ve got to be on the American Dairy Farmer’s Association payroll or something. And for them, not consuming mass amounts of dairy is a slippery slope that somehow means I support terrorists and think all women should have at least 8 abortions a year instead of using condoms and that we should resurrect Stalin because I should let the government pick out my clothes for me, as should everyone else. I’m serious. Like I mentioned that SB’s pay is still screwed up. My aunt’s reply, “well see, this is what would happen if we had universal health care.” No. This is the type of thing that happens all the time with private insurance companies. I worked for one. Their job is to make money and save money. Every chance my company got to deny a claim and save a buck, they took it. Even life insurance claims. There’s always a loop-hole. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. But you see my point. This is where dairy inevitably leads.

Now I’ve gotten myself all worked up again.

Is it wrong that I just don’t feel like teaching today? I’m prepped, but I don’t feel prepared. That’s my problem lately with the freshman classes. It doesn’t matter if I’m prepped. I just feel like I’m walking in unprepared. Maybe somewhere around the middle of October when things came to a head with the writing/survey class, I forgot everything about prepping for a freshman writing class. Or maybe I’m actually just not doing a good job. I probably need to do some soul searching now with that class. I’ve got three freshman classes in the Spring, so sigh. I just don’t know.