Tired. November 8, 2009

I did it. I worked out every day this weekend. I have worked out four days in a row. I have run three days in a row. I am totally motivated by the thought of buying new workout clothes. And I will need to get new running shoes, too. They are four months old. I am starting to feel my legs when I run. That usually means it’s time for new shoes. But the run felt good today. I feel out of shape, but it felt good. Of course I counteracted all of the benefits of the run by taking a nap afterward, but hey, it was well deserved.

All that grading I was supposed to do? Not done. Haven’t prepped for class yet either, but I’m tired. I tried to prep at the laundromat, but there was too much commotion (look, I understand that parents need to bring their kids with them to the laundromat, that it’s not easy to get a sitter just to do laundry, but please, the laundromat is not a jungle gym, and neither am I. I don’t care if your kids are running around screaming as long as they are not hitting me with their toys or running into me. Exercise a little discipline. Yes, I know they are kids, but just because you’re a kid doesn’t mean you get to repeatedly run into me like I’m not even standing there. Once or twice is fine. But five or six times, tell your kid to sit down and behave. Please). Anyway, even though it was just a few pages, and even though Orwell is not obtuse, it was like the hardest thing I had ever read. I couldn’t focus for my life. So I gave up. I’d be better off doing it in the morning. I’m supposed to have paper topics ready for them tomorrow, too, but I can’t think right now. If I tried to get it done right now, I’d end up with a headache and having to do it all over again in the morning anyway. I guess that means then that I spend tomorrow night getting through as many drafts as I can past the ones that need to get done by Tuesday. I can get in a run after school, come home, eat some leftovers, and then go sit at the *$ for a couple of hours or so, bang out 10-15 in a couple of hours (most of these drafts are not long at all), and call it a night. Fortunately I made enough chili to get me through the next couple of nights so I don’t have to cook again until Wednesday.

I think I can make it until Thanksgiving. I will need to spend a part of that week cleaning and I really want to finish unpacking and organizing. I’d like to go into the holiday season organized. Don’t ask me why. It’s not like I’m having any parties or visitors or anything, but I really would like to get my $hit together. I make a little bit more progress every week, but I need to just suck it up and finish it, just like this grading.

This is the first time in a while that I’ve been looking forward to Christmas. Generally I don’t know how I feel about Christmas, and since I don’t adhere to any kind of religious belief, it seems ridiculous that I would like Christmas, but I do like the idea of it, and I get all joyful and cheezy and crap. That’s not even to mention the rampant consumerism associated with the holiday or the fact that instead of people being kinder during the holidays, I’ve noticed that people actually become much bigger a$$holes during the holidays which is directly related to consumerism. Nor do I like the message that love is tied to gifts or that a person’s worth, particularly children’s, is tied to what they get for Christmas. If the SB and I have kids, we’ve already discussed how we will celebrate the holiday with the kids to minimize the horrible message that gets sent out during the holidays. But I digress with a disclaimer. I like the idea of Christmas–peace on earth, goodwill to men. I hate to say this, especially since I know there are those of you who are on the market, but I know the reason that I’m looking forward to Christmas already is completely tied to the fact that I will NOT be at MLA this year. For the first time in three years, I will not being going to the conference. I am so happy, and again, I say this with caution lest you think I may be rubbing it in, but I am so happy that once the semester is done, I can be off for a while. I can enjoy my break without anxiety for the first time in years. I get to go home and see the parental units, not worry about cleaning or cooking (though I will have to do some cooking because just to say the word vegan makes my parents start twitching in horror). I will miss the pups, but I won’t have to worry about them–they will be well cared for. I don’t even know if I’ll bother to do any prep or academic reading while I’m there (I have almost the entire month of January to do this). Nope. I get to spend about 10 or 12 days working out, watching t.v., and resting. I wasn’t supposed to have to travel at all this year–the fam was supposed to come see me, but, well, we won’t get into that. Next year we’ll have to travel–I’m sure the SB’s parents will want to spend Christmas with him. But I won’t worry about that now.

What I will worry about now is that I think I’m going to go to bed early. I’m about to fall out.

Sunday Morning Musings November 8, 2009

So this got a little long. Refill your coffee cup and get comfortable. I apparently have a lot to babble about this morning.

Where has my weekend gone and all that time I had to grade moderately each day so that today I’m not overloaded with papers? I still need to go to the grocery today, but instead of going to the big store and stocking up, I’ll end up getting just a few things for a few days. I’m bad at menu planning because even when I do, I always let what I “have a taste for” override any plan on any given day. It’s pathetic. I should have a plan for food and meals. I should be grading papers now, but why do I want to let that ruin my morning? I mean, I still only have 10 that I have to have done by Tuesday and another 10 by Thursday and then 9 for next Tuesday, so it’s not like I have to get through all of them for tomorrow. But I wanted to get them all done this weekend and have my next two weeks free to read, write, and workout.

I am sad that I won’t be going to see my family for the weekend before Thanksgiving and I’m sad that I won’t make it to the conference that coincided with the marathon I was supposed to run, but since the SB’s money is still screwed up, I just can’t afford to kennel the dogs for those time periods. I can afford to get to my destination, but cannot afford to have the pups looked after right now. Generally I plan a little better. But I was planning on a different paycheck which would have made this possible. It’s going to be hard to have the dogs kenneled for so long over Christmas. It’s going to be around $700. I mean, I guess I don’t have to stay with my family that long, or I could find a way to drive; I don’t know. I still need to figure that one out. It would be better to kennel them–my sister will have her dogs at my parents’ most likely, my brother and his wife and their baby will be there, and it’s a fact that babies like the Divine Miss T, but the feelings are not mutual. That’s just so much money. Sometimes I wish they were more like cats or friendlier so that someone could watch them for me, but I know they are well taken care of and very happy at the kennels here. So much so that they were not interested in coming home the last time. And they’ll probably be more comfortable and less stressed without having to deal with other dogs they don’t know and kids and people they aren’t around all the time. But since I won’t be getting there until Christmas, I won’t have to do deal with the backlash of my almost vegan diet.

After a great workout yesterday, I wanted to spend the afternoon reading and do scholarly stuff for myself–which is a grand start for me. I mean, it’s the first time in over a year that I’ve felt compelled to actually even want to think about academic stuff outside of teaching (not that I *want* to think about teaching). Instead, I decided that there was a cardigan at Old Navy that I was upset that I didn’t just buy two weeks ago when I was there last and wanted to see if their layering t-shirts were still on sale, so I spent the day at Old Navy. That cardigan? On super sale! I think it was originally $29.50 and then marked down to $13.54. Then it was 50% off of that, so the cardigan I was sad I didn’t buy two weeks ago I got for $6.54! Generally I do not like Old Navy. I don’t like that most of it’s made in China, and while they have very many cute sweaters this season, most of them are made in part out of rabbit hair, and I just cannot buy that. However, when it comes to basics to get a person through in between sizes, I find that on occasion I can get some decent things that are cheap that are good enough to last me through whatever in between period I’m in–when it comes to shirts and sweaters and stuff. The bottom half–no way. When I’m on the heavier side, Old Navy does not work for my hips at all. As much as I loathe conspicuous consumption, and I feel that Old Navy represents that (it’s like shopping at Wal-Mart for me which only happens once or twice a year for me), but when you’re in a bind, and you need something to get you through the season and you don’t want to or can’t spend a lot of money, then sometimes Old Navy is the way to go. I really don’t think the sweaters or shirts I bought will hold up until next year in all honesty, but for a $7 sweater, I can live with that, and I can donate them later. So for $35 I got two long sleeve shirts and two sweaters. That’s not bad. Now I have stuff to get me through the fall, and these same items can double as early spring time clothes as well since the sweaters are cotton and light to mid-weight. Hopefully by spring though they will be huge. I mean, I can dream.

I did indeed have a very nice run yesterday on the treadmill. This is the first time since before the wedding that I have run two days in a row (even when I was supposedly training for my marathon, I’m not sure I ever made it out two days in a row), or maybe the first time since July. Anyway, it felt good. I think, if I can keep it up, and I should be able to since I have two weeks of not teaching in one class and then the week after that is Thanksgiving, there’s no reason why I can’t keep up with my work out schedule, and I hope, by December, to be back to where I was with my running in June. I’ve already been able to increase my speed a little bit just in the last three weeks that I’ve been working out consistently (that is going more than twice a week), and yesterday, for the first time since school started, I ran for an hour–non-stop, increasing speed gradually the whole way. It was hard, especially knowing where I was just a few months ago, but now I’m feeling hopeful again about my fitness capabilities and goals, about the possibility of a spring marathon, about dealing with the deployment, and I honestly feel that the increase in activity over the last couple of weeks is what has gotten me back to feeling like thinking about scholarship since I honestly feel like my best work comes during the times when I’m most active. Maybe because it alleviates my anxieties and frees up my brain to think about other things. Maybe it’s because I feel better about myself and when I feel better about myself I am more inclined to think that I have ideas worth thinking about and writing about, that I feel less trapped in myself.

One thing I’ve noticed over the past two weeks–I worked out three times two weeks ago and four times last week–new records for me since we moved–but I don’t fall apart over not being able to talk to the SB or if his phone gets cut off (not like the cellular connections in Afghanistan are top notch), whereas before, if I missed a phone call, my world shattered. Maybe it’s because I know I can at least text him, so I’m sure being able to contact him on my end plays a large part in that, too. But you know what? I have not taken a single anti-depression or anti-anxiety pill in the last six weeks. Not even to help me sleep. I’m sure I’m still depressed–I mean, I get angry quickly and over stupid things that shouldn’t make me irate, and other little tell tale signs, but they are not major issues. Usually after I vent, my anger quickly subsides and I move on. And if I wake up angry, on the days this has happened, if I go run, voila! after 30 minutes or so I’m as right as rain. Six weeks ago I think I was on the verge of being really really depressed. But something clicked and I was fortunate enough to be able to snap out of it and get back on the treadmill which for me, is what I need. I’m starting to remember how it is I felt right after I got fired and right around the wedding, and I love that feeling. Of course, I wish the SB were here with me to share in those feelings, but there’s nothing I can do about that, so I have to just do what I can then. I feel a little like Forest Gump with the running. I wish I could just drop everything and just run until the SB comes home.

On that note then, I think I will have some breakfast and then get to the gym for a nice, long, run.

R(Non)BOC: Saturday Edition November 7, 2009

Yay for small victories. I lost four, yes FOUR, pounds this week. That means that I’ve lost a total of seven pounds since working out with the new trainer, but I’ve been fluctuating in a two pound range for the last three weeks which has been frustrating and unmotivating. But getting over a major hump and losing a chunk in one week is definitely motivating. So guess who’s excited about going to the gym today?! I would like it if I could keep up that kind of weight loss for another two weeks because that would get me past what I weighed for the wedding, and I would feel good going into the holidays. But that means commitment on my part, and the moment I declare something on the blog, I fall apart, so I’m going to combat that pattern this time.

I’m glad that NPR is running stories on families of deployed soldiers, but it makes me sad how some of these families are left in the lurch and expect that the Army, Navy, Guard, Air Force, Marines, etc., would actually care about the families. While the support for families is much better than what is was 12 years ago, the first time I was married to the military, it’s not great. The armed forces’ first concern is for active duty soldiers, but even still, what’s more important than an active duty soldier is money and politics. Soldiers who get injured do not receive the care they would if they were still active duty. The problem is that in a lot of these cases, civilians are in charge of these issues or people who are in the armed forces who have never been deployed. Part of it is that they just don’t get it. Mostly it’s people looking after the bottom line and protecting their own jobs with little concern for those who are actually in the line of fire or those being affected by the higher ups decisions. The military is run like a corporation because it most cases, it’s not the Military that is in charge, but it’s the Military Industrial Complex running things, and those people, on the whole, don’t give a $hit. Yeah, sure, SB gets combat pay. You know what that is? $50 a paycheck for “line of fire” pay, and another $150 a paycheck for “combat” pay. Wow, an extra $100 a month for being in a position where you could possibly be shot. SB is worth $400 a month as a deployed soldier in hostile territory. Granted, he’s in a support unit not a combat unit–maybe those guys get more, as they should–but still, it’s like his life as someone who has volunteered to give his life for his country is worth $400/mo for the trouble. Deployed soldiers are well compensated my ass. They can’t even figure out how to correctly enter a zip code so that we have enough money to pay for the apartment. Grrrrr, now I’m frustrated and angry. Argh.

Yesterday was such a long day that I woke up this morning thinking it was Sunday! It took me forever to figure out what day it really was. I spent a lot of the day yesterday mulling over my new haircut. I like my colorist. She’s great. My stylist, well, I think yesterday was the last day I’m going to her. First of all, she cut my hair six weeks ago and even called me to check to see if I was liking my cut, but yesterday she had no idea who I was. We had the exact same conversation we had the last time. Last time she gave me a good cut. This time, I don’t like it. I’m trying really hard to grow it out. I brought in a picture of my long term goal (which she asked me to do last time, but did not have any memory of this), and she laughed like I was never going to get there. I think for $70 for a cut and blow dry, you should remember whose hair you’re cutting. I asked for a trim, and it’s just about as short as it was 6 weeks ago. 6 weeks of growth down the drain. And, it’s not even a good supposed trim either. It looks uneven. It’s blunt; there’s little style. So, since she doesn’t know who I am, then her feelings won’t be hurt when I don’t go back to her. Plus, she doesn’t talk to me, and she maintains a surly expression the whole time she’s cutting, like she’d rather be elsewhere. I’m not going back to her. And I’m not going to get this cut fixed either because I don’t want to lose any more length. I can pull it half up to hide some of this, and I know I should get it cleaned up, but I’m not willing to lose anymore length. Next time I’m going to go to my trainer’s stylist–we go to the same place, and she said she’s had her hair cut by about 4 different people there, so I’ll go to her guy. I still can’t believe she laughed at my long term hair goal which is this: Right now, I’m at this, almost exactly:

I know it’s going to take a long time, like a year probably. It’s not like I said I wanted to hit that goal by christmas. And I have no idea if my hair will even grow as long as I want it to, but even if it only gets to my shoulders, I can still have that style. Whether or not it will look good is not the issue now. I’ll deal with that when I get there. But still, it’s not nice to laugh at someone else’s hair goal. But it’s not going to grow if she keeps cutting it the same length! I know, I know, this is a minor issue, but this is the longest my hair has been in 4 years! It’s a big deal to me!

If I can lose another 2-4 pounds this week, then I think next week I am going to go buy some new workout pants. The pants I have are pants that I have had from when I was 20-30 pounds heavier. That, with the mirrors at the gym, make me feel oafish when I’m working out. Plus, my trainer is so tiny, I feel like an ogre standing next to her and then with these really super baggy clothes…I don’t believe in getting dolled up for the gym or anything, but I do think that there is something to be said for having gym clothes that look good because if you feel good while you’re there, you’re more likely to go back. And right now, I can work out for an hour, feel good about what I’ve done, and then I catch a glimpse of myself in my baggy clothes that add like 10 pounds, and I think, “what’s the point? why bother if I just look like an oaf?” It will do no good to do that this weekend because I need to buy groceries with the money I do have, not workout clothes, and right now, I’m right in-between sizes for workout clothes. Where I am, the clothes are too baggy. One size down, they’re just this side of too tight. Besides, where’s the motivation to work out or eat right now if I’m just going to get myself a preemptive reward? No. Now I have something to look forward to.

And I’ve rambled enough. Maybe I should go ahead and get to the gym while the morning is still young.

 

 

That Class November 6, 2009

An email from a Student, in it’s original form–no salutation, no closing:

Ok, I was wondering if my journal grades are going to affect my average.  I really can not afford to get anything less then a B.

This is a student from my problematic Writing/Survey class. What I told hir was to see the syllabus where it states that journals are worth 10% of the final grade.

What I wanted to tell the student was that first of all, your email has two basic mistakes in it–”cannot” is one word, and you mean “less than” not “less then.” You may want a B, but I’d give even your email a C. And duh! Everything you do (or do not do for that matter) affects your grade in class. I do not assign journals for my health or for shit$ and giggle$. Secondly, if you really are concerned about your grade, consider turning your journals in on time. Late journals are penalized. Also, try shutting your yap when I’m going over things. That 5 PAGE handout I gave you and went over IN DETAIL about things NOT to do in your paper, like use contractions, informal language, calling attention back to the class and your writing process in the paper (and I gave DETAILED examples of each of these points, multiple examples in many cases), you should have paid attention since your paper was little more than an extended journal filled with things like, “well, while I was reading for the class, I was thinking this would make a good paper idea.” Inappropriate for a college English essay. Try having a thesis statement for your paper.  But you were too busy talking and doodling while I was going over this. And yesterday, when I said three times that the conferences were in my office, you were talking. And when you asked, after the third time I had said where the conferences were, you should consider yourself lucky that I even told you where they were. And the fact that you are concerned about items worth 10% of your grade and not the major things like oh, that essay you made a C- on, well, honestly, it’s going to be very hard for you to get a B in the class especially, too, given the draft of essay 2 you just turned in. You should know that a dramatic improvement in your writing is not going to make me think that I taught you anything and that you just buckled down either, but that I will be googling the hell out of anything that seems suspicious to me because this class has lost all chances of me giving a benefit of the doubt. Furthermore, showing up to class late, not reading, and talking throughout class are not the traits of a B student who is concerned about hir grade. Just fyi.

But I did not say that. We can go over this during hir conference next week. It just amazes me the attitude. I mean, I remember the first English class I had that made me work, and when I got a D on that first paper, I was mortified and was in my prof’s office asking how this happened and how I can fix it. I don’t even remember there being an opportunity for revision either. Actually, I don’t remember any English class where I could revise. I’m sure I did or may have had the chance, but I honestly don’t remember. Then again, I don’t remember 102 either. But I also remember too that if I asked for help on how to do better, I actually listened to the prof, whether I liked the prof or not, and I will admit, I was a needy, pain in the butt student once I decided I wanted to do well. I was also a pain in the butt student when I didn’t want to do well either.

Yesterday I took up drafts for the conferences they asked for. And remember, as an olive branch, since we got off to a rocky start, I bent my own rules for essay one and am allowing them to revise above the one letter grade max (which is to keep people from turning in crap and then taking more time to get a better grade which isn’t fair to the students who do the work the first time around, but I also believe in revising in writing classes). However, the catch was that they still had to have shown up for peer review and needed to have turned in a draft for peer review to me, too. No draft. No revision. And foolishly, which I didn’t think about this because I didn’t imagine that students would sign up for conferences and NOT turn in a draft for said conference, I didn’t think to put anything on the assignment about the conference being forfeited if no draft was turned in. But I wonder if these students will even show up for their conferences. I will not read any draft brought to the conference. And all chance for revision of the final draft is not only forfeited, but full credit on the essay is impossible, too. And it’s half and absence. I mean, seriously? You had a day off of school this week. Why not turn in a shit draft just to turn in something and get feedback and ensure that you can revise it? I don’t get it. However, instead of being upset that including those who just skipped peer review day I have about 12 fewer drafts to read, I have decided that I am totally happy about this! Giving feedback on 29 drafts is so much better than having to give feedback on 42! My weekend just got so much better! Plus, I have gone above and beyond with this class, so I have no reason to feel bad about their performance or if they are learning because the ones who took the talk to heart have stepped up their game and are showing signs of wanting to do well. Those who aren’t clearly still do not care about the class or do not want to put the effort into it, and retention efforts or not, I have gone beyond what I need to do for the students. I’m done.

I did get a moment of validation yesterday at the end of class, or rather after everyone had decided they were finished with the peer review. One of the students, a good student, told me that she wanted me to know that the problems of the class were not my fault at all and that I did not do anything wrong. She said she was appalled that a student told me the class hated me and that she doesn’t get most of her classmates. That she doesn’t understand their disrespect to their instructors (and she’s their age–it’s not like she’s a non-trad either), and that she thought the reading and writing were reasonable for the class because even with her overload and two jobs, she still is able to keep up so she doesn’t know what the problem with students with a normal load and no jobs is in not being able to keep up. She can’t believe that students sit in class and text and then complain about doing poorly. Sigh. Oh well. I think I’m beyond letting this bothering me and instead looking at the positive in that I have less to grade.

Thursday Morning November 5, 2009

Argh. I thought October was the cruelest month of the semester, but I cannot gear myself up for facing November. I only have 6 weeks left–five if you don’t count finals week, which speaking of, I have no idea what the finals schedule is or where to find it. Bizarre. And then I get about a month off. I mean, why am I complaining? 6 weeks left. Then four weeks off. Then I work for 14 weeks then I get 12 off. I’m such a spoiled brat. As long as I have to actually work for a living, I will never be happy will I? Maybe I should adapt that Luther Vandross song (or at least he sings a version of it): “If you can’t be with the one you love/Love the one you’re with.” If I can’t spend the rest of my life unemployed, then love the job I have in my field, which don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful to have this job. And I do like it. It’s just, well, it’s November. I’m tired. My students are tired. Our breaks do not leave us refreshed but rather we just feel even more tired knowing the break was fleeting and because we had to use it to catch up on all the things we need to finish. Sigh. I mean, I have a pretty good gig. Next semester, for the first time ever, I’ll be teaching a course in my field! I don’t have to worry about the years before and after my field. The course if my field. That’s it and that’s all. In the Fall, I get to teach a super narrow version of that field–like a four year time span and teach some of what I think are the greatest books ever written in the English language, to English majors who for the most part will be in my class because they have an interest in those books. So that’s something to look forward to.

I really feel like a brat today. Like a whiney, bitchy brat! Sorry.

I think I have a “fan” already, too, which is nice given that I feel like most of my students would rather die than be in my class and given that I don’t feel like a good teacher right now. I’m sure it’s easier for this kid, who’s a good student, to take my class because he knows what I expect and knows that he can do well in my class. I also told him that I thought he should consider taking English as his minor, especially if he was thinking about law school (he wants to be a CJ or Poli Sci major), and he said, “okay, I’ll do that. Sign me up for the minor.” No questions asked. It’s totally self serving on my part. I want him to take my classes so that I can pad the classes with students I know are good students.

I really am a brat, aren’t I?

I miss my husband. Lots. And it’s only been almost two weeks. But now we’re back to being able to talk almost daily, so that’s good. And tomorrow he should have internet in his private room so we’ll be able to chat on-line, and then next Friday he’ll be able to buy a webcam, and then we can talk for free. Yay! And I can see his face! Yay! I can’t wait to see him again. I think a lot about when we first met, when he was still in Iraq, and how even though we hadn’t actually met in person, I quit dating or pursuing anyone else because I felt like that would be rude to him. I remember sitting at a coffee house in grad city taking to a man on whom I had had a horrible crush and with whom I had been flirting for some time, and he had been flirting with me (who I later realized is the type of guy/person who has a pathological need for everyone to love him, which, if you are a 38 year old man and you still need people to nurse your emotional needs every hour of every day… well, I had a dissertation to write and needed my own support. I didn’t have the energy to help someone make tenure at my expense and then not support my work. anyway, neither here nor there… not to mention that he had also started dating another woman, who was 15 years younger than him while indicating that he and I should be dating), and he and a mutual friend of ours were all talking and I was talking about the SB and how even though we hadn’t met I couldn’t bring myself to even consider going out on a date with anyone else until SB and I had our first actual meeting, and he said, “But what if the man of your dreams is sitting right here, right in front of you, are you really going to pass him up for some dude you haven’t even met yet and squander that opportunity?” A little egotistical friend, don’t you think because I think it was clear he was talking about himself. I replied, “Well, I would say then that he missed HIS chance since this Mr. Right never made a move.” Best decision I ever made.

And I think about the first time the SB and I did meet in person. It was electric. I mean, it had been almost two years since the SB had been with anybody, so I must have looked especially tasty. And he was just so thin from being at war that it made him look extra nerdy and I fell in love that night. Yes, it’s cheesy I know, but it’s true. I damn near attacked him. I knew, at the very least that he’d be okay because the Divine Miss T greeted him like a long lost friend. And you know, the Divine Miss T is less than friendly with men and new people. Dinner wasn’t even really over before I was on his lap dragging him to the bedroom. And he stayed for five days. Left to spend a couple of days with his family and then picked me up two days later so I could spend Thanksgiving with him and his family and meet his friends. I was so nervous, and it was so wonderful. I just miss him so much. It’s just not fair. Again, I’m a whiney brat today.

I kinda want to go back to bed. I feasibly could for an hour. It’d make me feel worse though I think. Oh well. Tomorrow, I have the day off. I get my hair done. I meet with my trainer. I work out. I will spend some time grading so that I don’t have it all to do Sunday night and so I can enjoy the weekend a little bit. Today I have meetings and will go to a colleague’s reading at the very least for a 1/2 hour. He’s someone I really like, so I want to be supportive. But since I have a meeting right after class, I won’t have time to come home and take the mutts out, and I can’t leave them for so long without going out.

OK, I’ll end this. This is boring and stupid.

November 4, 2009

Well, I got some of the stuff I needed to do yesterday done. That’s a start. I had a nice good workout, but a really large late dinner afterward, so I don’t know if I reaped any benefits of my workout. I slept like a baby though!

While I was thankful for the day off yesterday, it just makes it harder this morning to get motivated to go back to work. Grumble. grumble. I just had a student email me, too, asking what her grade was for her first essay because she hadn’t gotten it back yet. Uh, yeah, the reason you don’t have a grade and didn’t get your essay back was because you didn’t turn one in! I’m sure you can calculate your own grade from that bit of information. This student is late to class EVERY DAY, too, and there’s no reason to think that I lost her paper either.

I’m not terribly excited about having to pick up yet another set of drafts tomorrow, but I am excited about not having to actually teach then anything. Although I do have a meeting tomorrow afternoon, so it’s not like I get to leave when the last class is done. I should make a point of working out tomorrow morning then to make sure. I really like my new trainer. I mean she is exactly what I need, what I have needed these two years actually. She’s very tiny (and by tiny I mean not only is she thin and muscular, but she’s really short, too), but she can lift a lot–she’s extremely strong, but she’s not bulky at all! That’s what I want. Strength and power but no bulk. But that’s not my point here. Even though we’ve only actually have worked out for three weeks (I’ve been training longer, but I was sick for two weeks and didn’t make it to the gym at all), she’s pushed me harder than Hottie Trainer did. Granted, I have a stronger starting point with her because of Hottie Trainer, but she’s got me doing more and has already increased the weight on some exercises, and I’m not in pain the next day either. I feel a little stiff this morning, but I do have a full range of motion, and I’m not hurting. If I can just keep my food and stuff under control, I could look totally different by Christmas! Plus there’s always the added pressure in my family now of the whole working out thing since everyone is on board with it–my mom, whom I love, does relish competing with me (not with my sister though–we don’t want to hurt her feelings or make her feel bad about herself), and then there’s my dad who’s lost a bunch of weight, is growing his hair out and gets it cut at a salon now–you know, I feel like I’m gearing up for the holidays in Hollywood or something. But what I don’t need right now is to go home during the break and hear about how I’ve gained weight since the wedding or how I’ve let myself go since SB’s been gone and don’t I want to look good for our honeymoon in June and whatever happened to that marathon you were supposed to run. No, I’d rather my well-meaning but shallow family give me a compliment or two and let me be for the break and relax. I wish I were driving there though so I could bring the mutts, but I’m sure my sister’s dogs will be there because since she’s in grad school she can’t afford to kennel them (although how come when I was in grad school, it was expected that I pay $25 a day for the dog and stay for 10 days and pay for my own plane ticket on my $1000/mo salary and get them gifts??), and I’m sure my bro will bring his dogs, so my poor babies get the shaft. Wow, I’m bitter this morning!

Do I have to go to school today? I wish I could call in sick. I know. I’ve got it worse than my students. It’s a couple of weeks before thanksgiving. I’m getting antsy. I know this sounds horrible, but I’m not terribly interested in teaching revision today. I just am not. I want to get back to cleaning a little bit because it seems that when I clean, the mess ends up bigger than before I cleaned! I just have too much stuff and not enough room. I need to bring more boxes of books to school. That’s it. I mean, that’s the only way I can have room in this place is to just pile stuff up in my school office. I still have about three shelves or so of bookcase space I need to fill. Now I’m just totally stressed thinking about all of this–how cluttered everything is. I hate clutter, yet I spend the majority of my time in it. I’m a terrible housekeeper!

I need to start, eventually, thinking about scholarly things. There is a deadline for a collection at the end of this month that I should submit something for. Let’s say it’s for a specific part of a sock–that this sock has stripes and one of those stripes is green–the entire collection is on that one green stripe. One of my diss chapters was about this sock, and a large section of the chapter was devoted to just the green stripe. Why am I not revising this? What the fuck is my problem? I’m probably halfway there with just what I have. I mean, the leg work is done. Can I whip this into shape in three and a half weeks? Maybe that should be my goal. I think I’m going to give it a shot. I need to. I need to start doing something again. It’s been a year since I’ve done any sort of scholarship of any kind. I feel the hinges in my brain squeaking every time I think. Maybe this green stripe is the can of WD40 my little brain needs?

TGI Election Day November 3, 2009

We have today off for election day. It feels weird. I mean, I am doing what I would normally be doing this time of morning anyway; however, I am fighting the urge of feeling rushed and jumping in the shower. This is not keeping the dogs from trying to get me to take them out on their morning walk, which we’ve already been out once, and it seems they are not going to leave me alone until we go right back out. Seriously. The Divine Miss T has the shortest digestion tract of any animal I’ve ever encountered. She drives me nuts.

And we’re back. And they’re feeling better, and the Divine Miss T is content and on the bed trying to sleep.

It’s amazing how much less stress I feel today having a day off during the week. I still have in class essays from last week to grade. I have an appointment with my trainer tonight, and I should consider cleaning at some point today, too, or doing all the things I was supposed to do Friday but didn’t get around to finishing. I’m glad that my trainer has talked me into two training sessions a week. I mean, I would have gone this morning since I don’t have school, but it’s so easy for me to ignore work outs during the week. Of course, I did have every intention of going to the gym yesterday afternoon after lunch, but I slept like 3.5 hours Sunday night and was so tired. And tired, knowing that there is a hard workout on the horizon (tonight), well, it was just hard to work out in lieu of a nap. And the problem is, if I don’t work out on Mondays, then the entire week slips by and it’s Friday again and I haven’t done anything all week. I have to figure out a schedule. I have to get myself up in the morning and work out in the morning because while it’s true that I do better work in the morning, if I don’t get that work out in before class, I’m just too exhausted when I’m done teaching. It doesn’t matter the day. I’m just too tired, and I don’t have the SB to drag me to the gym with him. I mean, I guess it worked when I had the job at Asshat Insurance Agency last year to go after work, but I think the difference was having a set lunch hour and an afternoon break where I could get food. My problem right now is that I don’t have a time to eat lunch, and I forget to drink water, so by the time I’m done teaching, I’m starving; I’m parched, and my head hurts as a result of being starving and dehydrated. It’s a bad cycle. I just have to figure this out to make it work. I don’t need lectures over Christmas about how I’ve let myself go since the wedding/since SB has left. And I’m tired of the preoccupation of my life being about working out and getting fit and losing weight and getting healthy. I’m ready to just be there already so that way it’s a part of my life, it becomes a habit that I don’t think about and then I can focus on things like getting back to scholarship and writing and academic reading and the like.

One thing I’ve noticed about my eliminating meat, dairy, and animal by-products (eggs, etc.) is that while my protein intake has gone down a little and my fat intake has remained the same, roughly, though lower than what it had been the past month, I am still losing weight. About 80% of my fat comes from nuts, and while I know that for the most part fat is fat (I know there are good fats and bad fats, but fat is still processed as fat), I think there is a huge difference in the way my body is processing this stuff. And I just feel better.

Are my posts becoming stale because I don’t have anything scholarly to write about? I feel like I, in part, use the trope of “getting my life in order” this first semester as a way to avoid putting yet another thing on my plate. I feel sorta how I did my first semester after I was done with my Ph.D. course work–I put everything into teaching and lost a whole year that I should have been working on my comps. Every waking moment went into teaching. It’s not really like that now. I mean, I still have a bit of free time to do other stuff–it’s true, I’m bad a time management–but most of that free time, I would say 90% of it, is time spent resting or recovering from the stress of teaching during the week. I wake up tired. I come home tired. I spend Thursday nights and Fridays in a stupor and on the couch nursing headaches and stress and anxiety. I spend Saturday then running errands and Sunday at the grocery, and then it’s Sunday night and I’m exhausted thinking about the week ahead. Then I can’t sleep Sunday night; I barely make it through Monday and spend Monday afternoons catching up on sleep I didn’t get during the night, and then I’m rushing the rest of the week preparing by the skin of my teeth, being exhausted because of it, and then spending the time I’m not teaching or prepping “recovering.” I have a schedule. I have a pattern. It’s just not a good one. And it’s perpetual.

Sometimes it amazes me that I even got married or can be in a committed relationship since when it comes to all other areas of my life, I have major commitment issues. I can’t commit to a work out schedule. I can’t commit to healthy eating (it’s taking all my strength right now). I mean, I can’t even commit to a damn schedule of assignments for the writing and survey class–we’ve had three already this semester. Not cool. I know this is a sort of “learn as you go” type of semester, the first one on the t-t, but damn, I mean really Maude? I struggle with whether I should actually cut myself some slack or if I use the idea of cutting myself some slack as a crutch. It’s November, and I’m still seriously unorganized. I feel like all my spaces are a mess! Probably because they are. Maybe that’s my cue then to do the stuff right now that I should have done on Friday. I’ve got a lot of papers coming in on Thursday, and I need to get rid of the ones I have now, and I’ve got to get some sort of something done in this crowded little place.

So here’s a To Do, cos I need one:

• Book order for Spring (which is late, but I’m not the only one thankfully)
• Vacuum, well, 1/2 the apartment at least
• Put up bookcase
• bring paper and glass to recycling
• Grade in-class essays
• Meet with trainer

A modest list. I think I can do it.

Stuff November 2, 2009

I made a foolish purchase yesterday. One that I could have waited for and which was a little unnecessary, especially since I’ve spent all week fretting about money. As soon as I did it–when I got to the car, I had instant regret. I mean, I should get the money for selling my car this week (which is peanuts, but as you may or may not remember, my car hasn’t started for a year and a half now–the doors don’t even lock and it’s pretty smashed up, too, so I probably got as much as I was going to get out of it). I upgraded my iPhone. I know! Stupid!! Stupid!! Stupid!! In all honesty, my phone is old and has been acting up, and when people cut out it’s hard to tell if it’s on my end or not (because of course everyone claims their phones are brand new so it must be mine), and since the SB has an international phone now, I thought it would make the connection better? We had discussed this possibility before I did it. I mean, most of the stuff that is wrong with my current phone are inconveniences–like the headset jack inside the phone doesn’t work all the time, so about 30% of the time when I have the headphones in, I can’t hear anything. It’s been freezing up. The upgrades are too advanced for the phone’s capabilities, so sometimes they cause more problems than solving them. And before you start dissing Apple and the iPhone… there’s no need. I am well aware of my stupidity and foolishness of my purchase. And the whole point of going into the store was to get an international calling plan.

For $4/mo. I found out I can call SB’s mobile international phone for $3.08/minute! Uh, no way! That’s ridiculous. Even the woman at the store was like, “oh girl, find a place that sells international calling cards and use that. It won’t cost you anything. That’s too much, even just to call to say ‘hi.’” So I spent about an hour looking for a place open on a Sunday that sells international calling cards. Places open on Sundays that sell international calling cards are usually staffed by people who are foreign. I don’t think I even called Afghanistan last night. I think I got South America. I even double checked the country code and area code. If I called South America, at least it was probably no later than 10 pm. If I called Afghanistan, then I woke that poor woman up–it was about 5 am Afghani time. So, all this money later, and I still can’t call the SB. He can call me, and oddly enough, I can text him, but I cannot call him. He did call me though, and I just started bawling about how I’m so stupid with our money and how I just wanted to talk to him, but I love the new phone (it is wicked fast, I will say that, and the reception is so much clearer), and it was dumb to buy it, I’m dumb for not being able to add, everyone at the laundromat was annoying (like the woman who took up six huge dryers because she only put five articles of clothing in each dryer), and I’m just so sad, and I thought the grocery closed at 8 not 7, and… Grrrrrr!! It’s going to be a long 8 or 9 months until the honeymoon.

Did I grade yesterday? Nope. Do I care right now? Nope.

So in a week’s time I’ve gone from being okay with the SB being gone to having a complete meltdown over it. So much for my coping skills. It just really blows. Fortunately, the next couple of weeks are somewhat easy in that in my writing about lit class we are doing conferences. So while I will have grading to do, I won’t really have any prep in that class until the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, and we have tomorrow off for election day. Today in the freshman classes we’re watching a movie, and I know they’ll be anxious to have their papers back, but they can get them back Wednesday. They’ll be okay. I like three day work weeks. And I like it especially when one of those days involves watching a video. I mean, I think the semester is over in about 7 weeks. That’s not that long. It’ll be here before I know it, hopefully. And then nearly a month off. I’m going to need every bit of it to recover from this semester.

I did not get any of the cleaning I had planned to do this weekend done. I kept up with the dishes and did the laundry. That was it. And I made soup. But it seemed like the weekend was devoted to running errands and waiting for SB to call. I mean, poor guy is supposed to get to his final destination around midnight his time and then have to be up 5 hours after that to start work immediately, and he’s been getting up at 3:30/4:00 in the morning as it is. But I’m sure the unit they are replacing is anxious for them to get there so they can go home.

On an unrelated note, because this was mentioned on Saturday night, but I’m still having trouble seeing how it is legal for the school to fire someone for taking maternity leave in their first year. I mean, seriously–if someone, who was taking all the necessary precautions still got pregnant (I mean, it happens–I’m not pregnant; that’s not why this issue came up) and didn’t want to get fired, I mean, seriously, the school expects that person to abort the baby? Like those are the options–abortion or job termination? I mean, that seems to be the unwritten, unmentionable option, which seems equally absurd for a school founded on and still informed by the Catholic religion. Although I have no intention of getting pregnant in the near future, this seems so absolutely unreasonable. This is supposed to apply to getting sick, too, in one’s first year. However, we are supposed to cut our students slack if they miss school for the swine flu, which could be up to 9-12 days, but it does not appear that this applies to us as I was told not to get sick or break anything or get the swine flu. I think in my agitated state this morning over my own issues of stupidity over the weekend, I find myself so very profoundly disturbed by this policy on this particular day. I can’t imagine that even though it’s written policy that it would hold up in court. I mean, if I got into a car accident and was in the hospital for a week, I would get fired if I missed five consecutive work days. People around here drive like assholes. I’m almost always in an accident. Uh, how is that even legal? Seriously. And it seems so very unjust (in addition to its absurdities) because MEN don’t have to worry about the pregnancy issue. It seems very discriminatory to me. I just don’t get how this is even legal. It’s possible it could be a scare tactic, but my colleague said that they have really been “cracking down” on this in the last couple of years. How is that even possible?

Less Frustrated This Morning October 31, 2009

Yay! It’s Halloween!! And while this day does make me a wee bit sad because I’d rather that the SB be here, I can still celebrate in his honor/memory whatever, although that makes him sound like he’s dead, which he isn’t, but you know what I mean. I have decided that next year we are going to go away for Halloween.

You know, I don’t know why I even bother checking SB’s pay stub. Now, he doesn’t have a zip code. My plans for being able to get us out of debt, with the exception of student loans while he is gone is not going to happen. I mean, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to keep up with all of this stuff. It is absolutely ridiculous. I was in a good mood this morning. Now I am not anymore. Now I’m back to being seriously annoyed and frustrated. Because now I feel guilty for spending money even on food! And I’m trying to be healthy and we know that healthy food is more expensive than unhealthy food. Although, honestly even buying organic, buying stuff to prepare my own meals, once I have the spices and stuff, is actually saving me money–it’s just getting to the stocked pantry part that can be difficult and expensive. However, it’s not like those spices aren’t going to last me a year or more. It’s just getting there is what is hard.

And of course I feel guilty for buying a couple of sweaters at Old Navy yesterday. I have two sweaters that are not heavy wool, and it’s not that cold here yet. I have two light turtlenecks–one of which I wore two days in a row to teach in (different classes of course). I have no fall weight clothes. Correction–I have no fall weight clothes that fit. Whose fault is that? Yes, it’s mine. Which is what is painful. I have a ton of clothes already. I just can’t wear any of them. I should be able to, but I cannot. I’ve been saying this for two years now! Which makes me feel even more guilty for buying two sweaters for work so I have four–one for each day I teach to get me through until it gets cold. And I feel like this is a tremendous waste because I can’t commit to my exercise regime, which really isn’t all that strict or difficult. And now we’re back to frustrated. Grrrrr.

Of course, I’m bad at budgeting, too. I mean, for two people, we have so many bills. And most of them are still getting forwarded from the old address, and all of SB’s stuff was set up for bill pay on his old account and he didn’t transfer any of that over to the new account, so some stuff has gotten lost and I don’t realize this until we get notices for things that haven’t been paid. Everything was fine in September. The pay was correct. Things were great. And now all I do is worry about money again. I’m trying to keep up with bills for not only one household but two, plus all of his bills and mine. I need to make a spreadsheet of what is due when–all the bills due on the first, all the bills due on the 15th. I have a stack of bills about a foot high that need to be organized, and every two weeks I get a little closer, but every two weeks I get more surprises. I have bill pay set up for a few of the bills, but not all of them yet. But I hate how Wachovia does the bill pay. BOA used to, as soon as the check was cut to the payee, they deducted the amount from the account. Wachovia does not deduct the money until the payee cashes the check, which is annoying because it doesn’t get automatically marked as paid. And I HATE that. It shouldn’t make it harder to keep up with, but it does. And I don’t like it. But, what I am going to do about it right?

I feel like I should have breakfast, but I’m not really hungry, but I need to go work out, too, before I head to my colleague’s for the early afternoon party.

Since I spent all day yesterday running errands and dealing with dogs who had upset stomachs, I got no more cleaning or organizing done after I met with my trainer.* But I felt much better, I will say that. I pounded out some frustration with a good run. I pumped some actually quite heavy iron–I bench pressed the 45 pound bar, which might not seem like much, but that is the most I’ve benched in over a decade, so that made me feel good. My trainer was pissed when she asked about my diet and I told her about Thursday night’s beers, which, if I’m going to drink beer, I’m supposed to be drinking light beer which isn’t going to happen, so I won’t have beer and the only time I have beer is when the SB buys it, with rare exceptions when I just have to go buy beer for myself. Then as I was explaining why I had the beer, that four days (now five) is the longest I had gone without talking to the SB since we’ve met, I started crying! At the gym! I think she felt bad for me then. I will say, generally I’m not that sore after squats, which would lead one to believe that I had nice toned legs which is not the case, but today is a different story. I don’t know what was different–maybe heavier weights, I mean, I’m sure that’s it, but they are on fire this morning! My glutes too! Holy crap! I thought my arms and chest would be hurting a bit, too, but not so much. I mean, she gave me some heavy weights yesterday. She pushes me a lot harder than Hottie Trainer did. And she yells at me, too! Which is good for me because she won’t let me wimp out which is what I need. Hottie Trainer sometimes took pity on me and let me wimp out. I mean, he was a good trainer, but this one really makes me work much harder. Actually, I guess Hottie Trainer really worked me hard when we first started working out. Then when I started slacking and gaining weight, I think he just sorta gave up on me. I don’t blame him; I would’ve given up on me, too. And honestly, it makes me sick to think how much money I’ve spent on trainers in the past two years now and how little I have accomplished. I mean I lost 14 pounds and a ton of inches. Then I gained 35, then I lost 37, then I gained 10 after the wedding and now I’m down to a net loss of 29 pounds. And there are still 24 pounds to go. Argh.

So, speaking of working out, should I just shut up and get going? I promise that soon I will get back to some sort of interesting blogging. Right now I just have a lot mulling around in my head, lots of frustrations and sadness and as always, plans on how to make life better. So thanks for hanging in there with me readers. I appreciate you all!

*Which I know, eliminating a trainer, especially since I seem not to be sticking with anything would free up some money, but the SB and I have talked about this and we see this as a wellness expense that we need to budget for if  working out even two or three times a week keeps me from having to go to a counselor once a week and a shrink once a month, plus the anti-depressant cocktail I would be on, which we figure would cost about the same amount of money, and we’d both rather I spend that money on a trainer and the gym.

Complaining October 30, 2009

I am a Grumpy Gus this morning. Totally. Last night I had a complete meltdown.  Three beers. A pint’s worth of vegan ice cream. Lots of crying. I was unusually affected by a couple of episodes of Bones. I wept. I want the SB to come home now. I don’t want to wait a whole year for him to come home. I don’t want to wait until June to be able to see him again. I H.A.T.E. not being able to talk to him every day. It makes my heart ache horribly.

I miss the days when I was unemployed. I could be lazy without guilt or consequence and could go to the gym at 2 in the afternoon if I were so inclined. I did not miss not having an income, but my paycheck seems so small for the amount of work I do that it seems if I were unemployed and in Home City still, our situation would not be too different financially. Now, if the guard could figure out how not to be douche bags and actually give the SB the back pay they owe him and get our paychecks correctly figured out, then I would feel better because without it, things are very difficult right now and adds a level of stress I do not want to have to deal with. So I alternate now between being sad and being angry. This must mean that I am depressed more today than I was a few days ago. What stupidity in declaring how good I felt! Universe smack down. Not fair.

I suppose it is much more natural that I be sad than feeling good, so maybe I should just cut myself some slack and do what I can to cope. Still, everything seems ridiculous and stupid and I don’t feel like doing a damn thing. I’m really angry about this whole paycheck issue. I want to just sit here and fume over the suckiness of this pay issue. However, despite this issue, I think I am going to buy another bookcase today. Or two because my office area continues to be crazily cluttered. I don’t feel like I have a place to work  or a place for my stuff still, and I will just suck it up, make some sacrifices, and try to get more of this stuff unpacked and stored once and for all because it is causing me a large amount of distress since physical clutter makes me feel even more mentally cluttered than I am.

I am annoyed with myself now for punking out of the marathon. I am also equally annoyed with myself for gaining 10 pounds after the wedding and for basically not doing anything for those 4-6 weeks following the wedding and for still being to heavy to safely run the marathon (for my body at least). I’m annoyed with myself for having been working out with a new trainer here who is awesome and still not being able to commit, to lose weight, to follow some kind of regular workout plan, although I was sick for about two weeks, but still. Life right now just doesn’t seem fair, and I just feel like complaining about it. I feel like sticking my tongue out at the universe and screaming “take that!” At which point the universe will most likely smite me and things will not get better but only worse. I hate feeling like this, especially when I know what it’s like to feel good. I feel like I’ve gotten into a hole and the sides are sleek and while I try to climb out I just keep slipping right back down. I feel pitiful and pathetic and I hate feeling like that.

Perhaps in this case the anger could be a good thing because it could be motivating–I mean, at least I’m not wallowing, right? I just feel like nothing is very fair right now. It’s frustrating.

I think what I might do today then is not think about school, not think about grading, not think about anything except cleaning and putting things away. That way, I can enjoy the weekend. I can enjoy going to my colleague’s home tomorrow afternoon for trick-or-treating. It will make me feel better to have a more organized space. Maybe that will cut back on some of this frustration I’m feeling. So that’s the plan. Workout with trainer. Buy bookcase. Clean, unpack, store, organize, put things away. I think I can do this. I think this will help. I can do this.