Yay for Snow Day!

I was up at 5:00 this morning because I either slept well after taking cold medicine last night or slept poorly after taking cold medicine last night–I can’t tell–and looked out the bedroom window onto the fire escape and saw nothing. Nothing. No dusting of whiteness on the fire escape or the trees. No flurries apparent. I almost started crying. The thought of having to go to school for peer review day, for which I’ve already received several of their emailed drafts (that was the plan in case school was closed) and was already feeling a headache coming on thinking about dealing with this issue–yes, you got your draft to me on time, but you see, campus was not closed; classes were still in effect. You still lose points and are still counted absent. It also meant that I would have to get up soon because I needed to be on campus before class because I had my annual review meeting with my chair.

At 5:30 my phone bings. It’s my friend at school who does the press releases. I get insider information before the rest of the world that classes are canceled. Hallelujah. For the first time in my life, I know someone on the *inside.* I had the info before the news had a chance to get the word out. It’s out now, but I had never been so happy in my life to get a text at 5:30 in the morning.

This information has indeed greatly improved my mood. While I’m still up at the crack of dawn, I can’t go back to sleep, and I really just wanted to sleep in today, and of course can always go back to bed if I feel tired because I am still a little sick, but I don’t feel as bad as yesterday, and I think a day off is going to do some good. Just knowing that I don’t have to get ready and drive out in this and get to campus today really does wonders for my headache and my overall feelings of malaise. I could be close to back to normal by tomorrow. It would be nice, and I don’t want to ask too much here, but if we really do get all this snow we’re supposed to and if this blizzard warning that is in effect until tomorrow morning does produce the foot and a half of snow they are predicting, that would be great, too. I mean, not to have school. I suspect I might have to get up still to make my training appointment, but if there’s no school, then I can take my time and do cardio after meeting with the trainer. If I’m feeling better.

I know I complain a lot about my teaching and my students and how much I dislike teaching comp, how much more time I feel I have to spend on it, how much I do generally *loathe* it, and how I do wish I were somewhere else with a different teaching load and that allowed me to teach solely in my field. Don’t most of us. What I do like about my job is that I do indeed have fabulous colleagues. I really do. I can tell that a couple of them really value my presence there and are really genuinely pleased that it was me who was hired for the job. What concerns me is that some of them are wicked smart but beaten down by this job, and I don’t want to get to that point. There seems to be some genuine congeniality across the division and the campus as a whole–I haven’t sat through a contentious meeting yet or seen a single outburst by anyone during a meeting or any sort of rudeness for that matter, even during the entire campus faculty meeting, which strikes me as a little odd. I’ve seen a little bit of defensiveness, but nothing major. It’s little things like this that make me like my job and where I am, teaching load, students, and salary aside. I am fortunate to be in a nice place with nice people. Is it worth a lighter teaching load and more money if you hate your colleagues and where you are? Probably not. Do I wish I had all of these things at a “better” job? Yes. I’m not sure what that says about me.

I do like the group of majors I have for my “field” class. A little quiet at times, but generally we do not have a lack of conversation. We had our first presentations last night. I’m conflicted on how to grade them though. Technically, they did the minimum, and what they were supposed to do, which should be a C. However, they were the first ones to go, and presented after only having three classes and little time to prepare. And truthfully, I wasn’t expecting much. The other issue is, I think even if they wanted to go “above and beyond,” they couldn’t because we don’t have the technology in the classroom to do so. They didn’t even have the chance to do a powerpoint or bring in any sort of image or anything I would have done because there is no technology in the classroom to do so. For presentation purposes, they are limited to just a handout. I think I’m leaning toward a B+ because the one other thing I would have liked to have seen was a stronger connection of how their author fit or didn’t fit into the movement the class is based on. I think I gave this class a pseudonym as the Sock Movement. There are several Sock Movements–a few in Europe; one in America. So, I think the one thing it lacked was a definite connection in the presentation to how the author fit into Socks. They posed a question to the class at the end “how does this fit into the Sock Movement?” and when everyone was hesitant to answer, I jumped in. What I should have done is let the presenters explain this because they did throw it out there. Maybe I shouldn’t penalize them for my own excitement. But I do think they should have had more in their presentation about how Author fits into (or doesn’t) the Sock Movement. I was thankful though that we had this presentation yesterday because that was so much less work for my sick ass to have to do for class. And they did hit on some very key concepts that I wasn’t expecting them to, too. And while they only needed to run class for about 40 minutes, I think their questions led to over an hour’s worth of discussion.

Sometimes I hate grading. Well, in general I do, but I hate what seems to me to be difficult grading decisions, grades where I want to be nice and encouraging but also maintaining a standard.

It doesn’t look like it’s stopped snowing since it started. On that note, I guess I’ll go read or write or do something otherwise productive while relaxing in my pjs.

Sick?

I think I’ve started two or three posts in the past couple of days but kept getting interrupted and just never finished.

I’m trying really hard right now not to get sick. I directly blame the week and a half long food bender I’ve been on for creating circumstances in my body making me susceptible to illness. For the first time in a very long time that I can remember, I almost threw up non-hungover. I think my students thought I was hungover yesterday because I had such a bad sinus headache that my eyes were squinty, I was moving slow, I gave an air of total unpreparedness. I didn’t sleep much Sunday night, but I slept over 8 hours last night and I feel like I could easily sleep another 8 without a problem. My head congestion this morning is too much for the neti pot. Not even a dent! I am hoping that we get snow this time (we were supposed to get slammed last weekend but didn’t), tonight, and that there are no classes tomorrow so I can sleep in. I’ve already addressed this with my students since it’s peer review day and created a contingency plan for it, which I’m afraid by Murphy’s law that means that  we will not get the snow day since I’ve planned for it in advance. My entire being aches. I should be back in bed, but then I’ll end up having to rush for school. At least this way I can have something for breakfast and make my lunch and read the five pages I need to to finish up for class tonight. It’s cold. I’m trying to keep this congestion out of my ears. Even my forearms are tender. Must remain positive to fight off cold. Must stop the food bender. Must get healthy.

I canceled my training appointment this morning. Second time in as many months. I can workout through the sinus headache. I cannot push through a stomach ache. And as I sit here, I feel so weak and achey that I want to just cry. I think a couple of more days and I’ll be ready to go by Thursday, I hope. My appointment is right now. I’ve texted her and called the gym. I haven’t heard back from her. I hope she got both/either of my messages.

My neck hurts. At least I don’t teach until 1 today.

This has not been my winter. Actually the last few haven’t.  I can’t wait until next winter when the SB will be home.

I picked up thesis statements for the freshman papers last week because I knew they would be abysmal and I didn’t want to have to write on their papers over and over “what’s the point of this?” and I thought it might force them to have to think a bit harder about their essays and maybe save me some trouble. I’m glad I did. They were terrible. Even after going over thesis statements, giving them a handout, offering them an opportunity in class to workshop them, yikes. About half of them were things like “Author wrote a short story about caves and people died.” Yes, I read the story, too. I know that’s what happened. Not a thesis. But when I gave them back yesterday and gave them time in class to work on their essays which NONE of them have started thinking about yet beyond the thesis statement as when they should have been writing they were reading the stories, argh, but oh well. What I was going to say is that I was a little encouraged that some of them used that time to continue to work on their thesis statements after I gave them feedback, so I know that picking them up in advance was worthwhile and probably a good idea at this stage. We’ll see what kind of half-assed essays I get tomorrow and Thursday. Granted, they are only drafts. It’s the “not feeling well” talking. Still, the MW classes are just so difficult. I have to work so hard in them. I can’t tell if they are reading. I don’t think I’m asking them tough questions–is “who is this author writing about (another author)?” that difficult a question? They don’t ask questions. They just stare. It’s ridiculous. And it’s only week three.

Again, this is why I don’t like teaching comp, why I want to get my shit together so that in the near future I can maybe be in a position NOT to teach comp. It’s 3/4 of my load. It takes up 95% of my teaching energy and class prep because I have to spend time and energy and resources trying to get them to engage. My lit class, right now, is so *easy* as far as discussion, both on my end and the students’ end. It’s easier for me to engage them because it’s my field, at least that’s what I suspect. But even teaching stories in the comp class that I’ve taught before, that are in my field, teaching them to think and to write about them is not working for me. I mean, I don’t want to sound like sour grapes here. And again, I knew what I was getting into when I took this job, and it might be better in the fall, even though I’ll have three preps and 2 new classes, but the two new ones will be majors. But I know my teaching is suffering and will suffer overall because I don’t have time to keep up with my own stuff right now. In theory, I have plenty of time to get everything done. In practice, most of that time that could be spent on other things gets taken up by all the comp classes. And you guys know I’m not dogging comp at all. You know it’s not my field and my least comfortable area. I just have to work so hard for it, and there are other things I’d rather be working hard on. I know that sounds bad probably, but it’s true.

I am feeling better this morning. The heat and hot water are back on. The Divine Miss T DOES NOT have kidney stones or bladder tumors, so yay, although yeah, a chunk of $ to find that out, and they still don’t know why she has an infection, but it’s easily treatable. Plus, they gave me like some massive discounts that knocked $200 off the vet bill, so I’m not complaining. Aside from the minor infection, she has a clean bill of health, which is important since she’s 12 and 1/2. It was a little sad while she was at the vet yesterday. The Red Rocket spent all day facing the door waiting for her to come home. He was seriously depressed. And Miss T was so happy to see him when she got home. It was all very endearing.

No snow either. I guess the storm missed me. I was hoping for an excuse to stay hunkered down in here, but now I have no excuse not to go to the gym and do laundry, but I might save that for tomorrow before the game.

I feel like lately this blog is about me whining. I always feel like that. I wish it were more academic or like I talked about different things, but thanks readers for still reading if you’re still out there. I complain a lot. And I’m trying to be better at “Action,” but these last two weeks have made that seem nearly impossible. And of course have I been able to bring myself to call and make a doctor’s appointment? Do I know I need to? Yes. Can I bring myself to do it? No. But I know the SB is right. Making the phone call itself will probably make me feel tons better. Argh. Lack of Action.

Switching gears…

There does seem some buzz going around re: workload an when one does one’s scholarship. See Dr. Crazy, Tenured Radical, and Pocha. Earnest English is struggling with different but I think related professional issues, too–sickness and when to work/finding time to work. And since I don’t feel like this is an academic blog that treats anything important in an even interesting way, I’ll just add my two cents as it has been on my mind recently as well.

When I got my schedule for this semester, initially I was thrilled. I thought, “Wow! This is a great schedule. I have these huge chunks of time to work on my own stuff. I have huge chunks of time to prep and grade. I have time to work out. I can create a schedule that allows me time to cook how I want to cook, spend time on Skype with the SB, and keep the apartment clean and orderly in order to maximize my productivity! Score!!” Could I have been more wrong? In the realm of the theoretical, the schedule I imagined for myself may have indeed worked. And perhaps had I implemented it immediately. What I don’t and never account for are variables, like insomnia, death, sickness, and stress. Whenever it seems crucial to my survival that things *need* to go as planned, nothing does and my world comes crashing down and I find myself unable to deal with reality. But I digress. What I’m getting at here is that I HATE my schedule this semester. That being said, I think if the SB were here, or if his time zone were more compatible to talking at night rather in the morning, it might work out better. But right now, this schedule is extremely incompatible with my goals for the semester. And perhaps the fault lies with my unorganized self. But these chunks of time that exist on paper do not exist in my reality.

On MWs, my mornings are eaten up by teaching and my afternoons eaten up by office hours. On TR, I meet with my trainer, I workout, come home, get ready, then it’s time to talk with the SB. After that, I take out the dogs, get my stuff together, then it’s an afternoon of teaching, meetings, time stuck at school. On all four days, my days are so packed with teaching (3 hours straight on MW, TR are broken up with an hour and a half in between, but meetings are always scheduled for that time period), office hours, and meetings, that by the time I get home, I’m wiped out. The last couple of night? I’ve been crawling into bed at 8 or 8:30. That means I get up early to prep before class. Fridays I run errands and recover from the week. Saturdays and Sunday days involving cleaning up the mess I make during the week that I’m too tired to clean up when I make the mess. Then Sunday night I do laundry or try to prep for class, but am then so stressed out about the fact that I’ve spent the weekend cleaning and working out and haven’t done a damn thing, I’m usually in panic mode and trying to do what I can to relax so that I can get a decent night’s sleep. If you notice, at no point here have I been able to figure out how and where to carve time to work on scholarship. And I don’t even have to deal with family commitments!

Perhaps this does all revolve around the fact that I need to call the doctor. That if I were on meds, the little things would be manageable and would not then consistently become big things leaving me time to do what I want to do, and that’s research. Maybe my problem is that I’m a lazy piece of shit and spend too much time worrying about going to the gym, rather than worrying about scholarship–although, on the days I do go to the gym, I get much more done and am in a better mood. I guess I am off kilter when I don’t get to the gym, and everything suffers a little bit.

And I haven’t even had to start grading yet, which I’m dreading because I don’t think, much to my chagrin, that anyone has dropped in my comp classes yet which means by next Thursday, I will have 66 essay drafts to comment on and 66 individual conferences to conduct the following week. Now, when I do conferences for drafts, granted I only look at large issues and make bullet points for things to talk about rather than extensive comments, but still, 66 essays is a lot of essays, roughly 198-264 pages of reading and commenting. Of course I will also have to teach the lit class during that time, too. What the fuck was I thinking scheduling Emerson during conference and essay week? Fuck. Anyway, where this leads me is to this weekend. Since next week and weekend will almost be solely devoted to grading, I feel compelled and under a lot of pressure for myself to once and for all get this place straightened up, get stuff cooked and in the freezer for the coming week so that I have meals and am not wasting money stopping at the grocery every night on the way home picking up something already prepared because I’m exhausted and the thought of even boiling water by the time I get home makes me want to cry. And of course I feel constantly stressed because my environment is in such a disarray. And how long have I been here? When I go back to Home City for spring break, I’m going to have to bring some stuff home with me which seems ridiculous and inefficient, but seriously, I need to. I am just so disgusted with myself. And now that I’m feeling motivated to clean, and am ready to clean, it’s almost time to talk to the SB, which I’m not begrudging at all. It just sucks that the time that we’re able to talk falls during the time of the morning I’m most motivated to work or clean or whatever. It’s just bad fucking timing. But everything about the last year seems to fall under that category: bad timing.

That being said, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make my schedule work for me. I need to figure out what it is I do that takes up so much time. Like sometimes I can’t figure out what I spend my money on. Maybe I need to do like what I do with food, or what I should with food, and write down how I spend my time, a la Dr. Four Eyes. Whatever I’m doing, already in week 2, it’s clearly not working.

I think I might have more to say about this, but this is long enough already.

**Update**

While I complain about not having time to do anything, I decided that since yesterday was stressful running aroundness, I am skipping the workout and enjoying the SB’s early Valentine’s Day gifts to me instead. I will implement a 1:1 ratio–1 enjoyment of gift time to one hour of cleaning. Repeat. This is how I will spend today and tonight.

How Much Longer Until Spring Break?

Well, what a fucking week.

I found out on Monday, don’t ask for the events that led to this discovery, but a guy I went to college with, who stood as a groomsman in my first wedding, who was one of the nicest people I had ever known, who looked, when I drove away from my house that last time looked like he was about to cry for me that my marriage was over (even though it was a good thing) and like we both knew our friendship was over because he stayed friends with my ex, I assume, but who, of all the people that my ex and I were friends jointly with, I always imagined that he’d be the one who would have tried to remain friends with me if there were a way. Anyway, he was a Green Beret. Did three tours before he was 30. Five years ago, he died in a training accident in Afghanistan when an explosive device used to blast open doors of insurgent dwellings prematurely exploded and killed him. I just found out. I am as sad as if it had happened yesterday. I’m pissed off at my ex-husband, too, for not telling me. He’s contacted me before; I don’t know why he didn’t think that was information I would like to have. I am nearly devastated by this loss. He had just turned 30 and just celebrated his one year anniversary with his wife, which doesn’t that seem how it always happens? It is a great loss. Aside from driving away that last time, I remember I had a superbowl party one year, and it was the weekend he had come back for leave after finishing the Florida part of Ranger School. He and one of my ex-husband’s other friends whom I didn’t know very well, and She-She came over. Ex husband was in the field. I made like 20-25 Italian hamburgers for the four of us thinking I’d have tons leftover for me for the week and I wouldn’t have to cook. My friend was so starved after Ranger School that he ate half of them on his own. I remember us laughing at how much he ate and how he didn’t realize that he ate like 10-12 hamburgers. I think I sent him home with a couple, too, and kept one for myself for lunch the next day. I was always really sad that my friendship with him ended with my marriage and that the latest news I have of him is that he has died. Rest in Peace my dear friend. You are missed by people you probably didn’t think would miss you.

The Divine Miss T perhaps now has kidney stones. I think I mentioned that I noticed two pin head sized drops of blood the other day when she peed. Well, it happened again. Not a lot. Brought her to the vet. Blood test are clean, which is good. One number on the urinalysis suggest the beginnings of kidney stones. She has a mild infection, but they are not sure what’s causing the blood, regardless of how little it is. So today we go back for XRays, an ultrasound, and a urine test that involves taking it right from the bladder with a needle. I’m sure none of this is going to be cheap. Argh. She is not acting sick at all. Nothing has changed for her except this little thing that could be a big thing, so I’d rather catch them while they are small, if they are there, than to have a bigger, more complicated problem later. But, on top of these tests, if there are stones, then that is going to involve treatment. Am I even going to get to have a honeymoon? Every two weeks some huge expense keeps popping up that takes my entire paycheck away. This has been going on since September. September SB comes to visit, and I go back for his deployment ceremony. October SB gets an unexpected pass resulting in a last minute plane ticket. November, go visit fam because they want me to. December’s trip. January’s trip. Miss T’s unexpected issue. I still have to buy a plane ticket for the conference at the end of May; I also have a plane ticket for our family reunion at the beginning of May which is more expensive than it should be because it is a festival weekend that weekend int he city. So the plane ticket and kenneling the dogs, renting a car, perhaps, and airport parking or travel to and from the airport, is going to cost me no less than $800. Seriously. For a two day trip. That’s getting in on Friday night and leaving Sunday morning.

As much as I love working out with my trainer, I need to lose the weight soon and get my shit together so I don’t have that expense, which right now is crucial, in mine and SB’s eyes, to my health.

On top of this, my classes? Gawd. The MW classes are total fucking duds. Uh, I had to pretend to be an elementary school teacher on Wednesday and make the students sit in class and READ the text! They could not answer simple questions about the text along the lines of “who wrote this?” Like those kinds of questions. I was so friggin frustrated. The TR classes on the other hand at least have some energy. My lit class seems to be going well so far. I’ve lost a couple of people, but that’s fine. I only want the ones who are going to read and participate in there anyway, since they are majors and this is an elective. This week went well. We’ll see. Hopefully the TR’s will at least continue in that manner. But the MW, gag. I’m already so done with them, and it’s only week 2.

Oh yeah, and there’s supposedly a huge snow storm on the way, and the temp is dropping, and I have no heat or hot water. Fucking Awesome! I am so fucking done with everything at this point!! It’s times like this that I think we would have been better off if I were unemployed in Home City because sometimes, with as little as I make at this job, it’s too expensive for me to even live here to be able to do my job. I am seriously going to have to consider going back on the market next year in the hopes there’s some place close to family I can get a job at. Argh. Maybe it’s the stress talking.

T.G.I. Hump Day.

Though I knew it was indeed like hoping against hope, I still went to bed hoping that we would have a snow day today. Well, it snowed, but it’s a dusting and the roads in these parts are very much clear and drivable. How I wanted to stay in bed and sleep off the excedrine pm. Upon freaking out that the Divine Miss T might have a bladder infection or some kind of UTI issue or even a kidney issue, I couldn’t get to sleep. (If it were her kidneys, then she wouldn’t be moving. Not even to eat. Certainly not to jump the Red Rocket or get on the couch. She is her same self, but I freak out at everything right now). If it were a bladder or UTI problem, she would not have made it 8 hours without peeing everywhere. All seems to be right with the mutts. I think the issue had to do with their being sick over the weekend and perhaps the medicine the kennel gave them for their issue. Anyway, this is obnoxiously cryptic, but provided the old girl stays the same by the time I get home or tomorrow morning, I don’t think we will need to visit the vet.

I *was* going to read last night and was on my way to prep for class when my sister called which means I prepped this morning and didn’t workout. I have decided that my goal is to be in such shape that I make JenNifeR Ani$ton look bad. My trainer laughed. I said, “I’m serious.” She said, “well then shut up and do your squat thrusts.” Me: “Deal.”

I am so tired. Still. I am exhausted in the morning and afternoon, but then after dinner, even without sleep, I catch my second wind and I’m wired and can’t shut my brain down and let my imagination run wild and I begin to worry about fantastical things. It’s annoying. But, until I actually call a doctor, I’ll cease with the woe is me complaining.

I was worrying a great deal about our honeymoon and likelihood of being able to afford it with all of these things that keep popping up, another of which is that I need to buy a ticket for our family reunion thing in May which is going to cost me no less than $800 including airfare, hotel, car, and dogs. I mean, others are traveling further and probably at a greater expense, but hey, they make, seriously, like six times my salary, so I don’t feel that bad for them. It seems that every trip I take these days, no matter how far or for how long, is costing me at least 2/3 a paycheck. Which, you know, whatever, I’m glad that I have the money to be able to do this, but it’s really pushed back our plans to pay things off and you know, save for that honeymoon. Which, however, there is this wonderful thing, this vacation “club” for armed services members where there are resorts that have special prices for vacationing soldiers. So it looks like 2 weeks in Santorini or a week there and a week in Crete may actually be possible. Plus, I should be able to fly round trip for about $60. I am hopeful that this may indeed happen. We’ll see if I actually get anything back on my taxes.

I think my MW classes are duds. Seriously. They just stare. They look bored and uninterested and frightened. Then just drop please and make less work for me. Terrible I know, but still. The TR class, well, yesterday they both were really animated and I ran out of time in class to cover stuff. I like it when that happens. I hope it continues that way so I at least have two good days of class. I don’t know, we’ll see what happens today. I think part of the problem with the MW class is that there are a few people from last semester and they probably told the other students that I am usually done with 15 minutes to spare if they just sit in silence, I’ll do all the talking because I love this stuff. So I’ve noticed that students, the whole class, start packing things up when there are 15 minutes left of class. I mean seriously? A full 15 minutes? Rude. Disheartening. Whatev.

I have been painfully disorganized already this week. I still haven’t recovered from the trip or from having gone to a funeral. I don’t know how my friend has been dragging herself to work. I can barely cope with it. I admire her strength. It was not my mother and I’m having a difficult time dealing with it. My heart still goes out to her and her family.

I really just wish I had only the TR classes. And Just two of them, not four. But hey, don’t most of us? No point in complaining. Can’t do anything about it right now.

The house is a holy mess. I haven’t unpacked. There are bills and bags and clothes everywhere. There are puppies glaring at me because of the mess. I don’t know where anything is because everything is in a pile somewhere. And there’s no time to do anything about it since I’m behind on my work and prep, I spend my spare time right now trying to break even. But I guess that’s something I can work on starting Thursday night after class. I just have to let this week go and not worry about anything until Thursday night. My stomach has been hurting after every meal; I’m sure it’s stress, plus, I’ve not been eating well at all. I need a detox or something. I have this weird, uh, condition, where when I’m really stressed or nervous, my left wrist and forearm sweat. Yeah, it’s disgusting and annoying, and we’re not talking mild perspiration, we’re talking like beads of water rolling down my arm. And it has nothing to do with temperature or sleeves. Like I’m in short sleeves right now next to an open window and it’s like a deluge of the ulna, which is all the more reason to just let the week go. Obviously there is some high tension and worry  and my body is reacting to it. And it’s only week 2. But I guess last week was a really rocky week.

I tell you, I am a hawt mess. A hawt mess with quiet content puppies who are sleeping nicely near my feet right now. Ah, I love those quiet moments.

I should probably drag myself to the shower and start to get ready for class. I am just not interested in dealing with people/students today. I think I should have made different office hours, but then I’d be bitching about having to get there early rather than staying in the afternoon, but still, it almost seems preferable at this point. Oh well; I’ll deal.

That Abstract

for the major conference in May, the abstract that my old prof let me rewrite, the abstract that I thought still was terrible maybe because I’m a bad judge of my own work, the abstract that I am dying to write the paper for, that I think might be really effing cool if I write it like it should be written?

It was accepted!

Clearly this is welcome news during a dismal week. It is also very perfectly timed as I haven’t turned in my professional development report yet, so now I can put this in there rather than saying, “hopefully it will get accepted for this conference, but if not I will send it to X conference, and I still plan on writing the thing…” This also means that I get to go to my favorite city in May and it means that since I’m presenting, I should get some money from the college.

This is my first post-dissertation idea. I’m especially pleased that it was chosen by my old prof because he’s super smart, and I know he wouldn’t have taken it if it was crap because he doesn’t work that way, so while it’s only an abstract, and it’s not like it’s getting published or anything, this is a huge boost for me simply because I haven’t had a thought outside of the dissertation for as long as I had worked on it and the time since. It’s good to know there’s still some brain function left. And it really does mean so much to me that my old prof picked it for his panel.

:(

So you guys know what asses my bro and SIL are. Well my SIL put on FB, “hey, I really want to get Maude’s Bro to New Orleans or Miami for the Superbowl because his team is in it for the first time and I want to be one of “those wives” and I want to make it memorable for him, but we have no budget for this,” which I read as “give us money so he can go because I don’t want to pay for it.” My sister’s like, “well, if he’s staying with cousin in New Orleans, then Bro should just drive.” SIL: “I know how to get him there, we just don’t have the money for it.” Again, I read this as, “Bro wants to go but we don’t want to pay for it.” And it is all about them not wanting to pay for it themselves–they sent my nephew over to my Mom and Dad’s with shoes that were too small two days before Christmas because they knew my parents would go buy him shoes. Her family gave the nephew “better” shoes for Christmas, so he wore those instead when he got them. They sent him over to my parents on a really cold day without a coat because “they didn’t have money to buy him a coat” (then you go to a fucking thrift store, but they found $ to buy football jerseys), so my parents bought the child a coat. This is what they do. And it keeps working! My brother is now either going to Miami or New ORleans (probably New Orleans) for the goddamn Superbowl. Un-fucking-belieavable. I don’t know why this bothers me so much. Maybe because I’m trying to save for a honeymoon and even if I weren’t, I hate that I’m going to a funeral. I hate the circumstances under which I have to travel tomorrow. I’m glad that we are in a position that is allowing me to go, that we can afford for me to buy a last minute plane ticket and kennel the dogs. Maybe I wish I were going to NO. Not really. Getting peed on by drunk people in the Quarter won’t be fun, and it will be a whole city filled with drunk assholes like my brother who will think that just because his team is there that is license to act like a jerk. Anyway… I can’t believe this worked! My bro and SIL wouldn’t go out of their way to piss on their friends’ gums if they were on fire if it was going to cost them money.

*poof*

**If you read this wonderful thing our mutual friend wrote about her and her mother, this is why I feel like a terrible person because I don’t feel like I think of her enough and why I’m upset with why I feel so selfish. This is why I’m a piece of shit and selfish.

That being said, I should finish prepping for class.

My Bestest and Dearest

Friend’s mom passed away about an hour and a half ago. She had been very sick for a long time, but I am nonetheless deeply saddened.

My heart is heavy.

School Starts

I should not be surprised at all that I a) got very little sleep, and b) hit the snooze for about an hour.

While I started to lose faith during the game last night, I am experiencing nothing but Hometown pride this morning. Yes, I know there are Vikings fan as old as me who haven’t seen their team go to a Super Bowl because it’s been that long since they’ve been to one, I think. But my team has never EVER in their franchise history been. EVER. This means that my grandfather will get to see the boys get to the Super Bowl in his lifetime. I have never wavered in my support of this team, even through some horrible years. This is my team. And while I generally don’t get caught up in such stuff, I am today.

Under different circumstances, I am a tried and true blue Favre and Manning (more Manning–as long as he never goes to the Ravens or Falcons or the Rams, we’re cool), but he’s from my hometown–same goes for Eli–I follow him, not the team necessarily), but Hometown loyalty trumps all.

*******************************************************************************************************************************

Today is the first day of classes. I have yet to begin my syllabus for tomorrow afternoon’s class. I’ve been thinking about it. Nothing written. Yesterday I was going to do that. Yesterday that, and working on my Professional Development Report thing didn’t happen. Well, I have a whole afternoon and office hours, and dinner already made (leftovers), so I have nothing but time this afternoon. I was prepared to start the semester caught up and relaxed and ready to go, but yet again, I am not. At least the bulk of the work is done, and since last semester was only my first semester, I only have one semester of teaching to comment on and one semester worth of committee work to comment on, too. I plan to turn it in by Wednesday at the latest. It’s due this week. I wanted it done for today, but well, Saturday was rough for all sorts of reasons, and yesterday my only excuse is that I got sucked into a football vortex for the first time in like 20 years, or maybe ever. I don’t think I’ve watched both playoff games ever.

Of course my intent, naturally, was to get up early and work on the syllabus or report, but well, I’m working on about 5 hours of sleep as it is. I feel hungover. I’m not. I had one glass of wine, barely a glass, five hours before I went to bed. It’s windy as hell. I was awoken twice last night by the wind knocking things down in my apartment (it’s so hot in here I have the windows open in the dead of winter–I have no control of the heat. The poor babies just pant all day). My window fan fell on me scaring the shit out of me. So, really, I got a 45 minute nap, a two hour nap, and a two and a half hour nap last night. Distressing, but at least I only have to go over syllabi today. At least today is a rest day for the half marathon training so I didn’t have to go to the gym this morning and don’t have to this afternoon. But I’ve got to work hard this week on establishing a routine for the semester. Do I wish I had another week off? Hells yeah. But am I glad to be getting back into the thick of things? Hells yeah. I wish it were because I missed my students and because I’m super energized-super excited about the semester, but the truth is, I’m only a little excited, not unexcited, but not bursting at the seams simply because well, last semester was so bad, that I’m cautious of thinking that this semester will make up for it. It indeed may. And I am excited. I am looking forward to teaching in my field.

However, I’m glad for the distraction. While I’m going to miss my long lazy days, they were starting to get to me. It might be different if the SB were here because then he’d be home for dinner. I could force myself to work all day, then have the evenings to relax with him, but maybe I was going a little stir crazy. Of course in about a month I might be singing a different tune, but I am looking forward to doing something again. I’ve got a busy semester ahead. The first drafts start coming in in three weeks. Yikes. Midterm is less than two months away already. Yikes. I’m determined to write this paper whether it gets accepted at the conference or not. And it looks like AGAIN, for the second year in a row, the two panels I was supposed to chair, have gotten scrapped for a large conference. I give up. I’m not chairing these panels again. I hate the way the conference does this. There were enough papers for both panels, but it appears that they have been canceled. Fine. I’m not doing it again next year. Oh well, that’s one less conference I pay for and go to. I didn’t have time anyway. I knew that was going to happen. Fuck. Oh well. Granted, I might put out a shitty call and put it out too late, but if there are enough people for the panels, you don’t cancel them and not tell the panel chair! Last year they didn’t tell me either! So forget it. I’m not doing it again next year. I might submit a paper, but I’m not trying to organize shit.

On that note, I should start getting ready for school. I mean, my bags are packed, my clothes ironed, I guess it’s up to me to get dressed and make lunch and get ready to go. I should print out my student list as we are not getting hard copies anymore. I guess I’ll do that now. Wish me luck for my first day back and for a much better semester than Fall.

Last Day Before the Semester Starts for Me

This is a big weekend, or rather I guess a big Sunday. Generally I don’t get excited about football. Sure there are some teams I like and will cheer for if others are watching. But if you know anything about football or football history, then you know that this weekend is historic with a potentially bigger history making moment in the near future. I have to find a way to watch the game. I’m sure I can on-line. I have literally been waiting my entire life to see this happen.* And if my team is successful, I’m buying a jersey for the Super Bowl and will find someplace to watch it.

I also have to do my professional development review today. It’s due next week, but I want to get it done today, and granted I should have done it weeks ago, but I was afraid and intimidated by it, and just now finally opened the email and the form this morning. It’s less frightening than I thought it’d be, so I’ve got to do that. I’m a bit nervous. I mean, I’ve never done this before, and I don’t have much to say really with only one semester under my belt. And since scholarship is the third category after teaching and service, then I suppose for now I’m okay with only having done hardly anything.

My run went better yesterday. It seemed to drag on for forever. I thought I had gone for a long time and gone far when I finally checked the time and distance, and yeah, well, not so much. I have a longer run today which I need to try to accomplish. I will run, but if I can go as far as I’m supposed after the last two weeks remains to be seen. However, I did run yesterday with no leg, back, or knee pain, so for now, we shall assume it’s the incline + my current weight causing these issues and avoid inclines for now. And I am getting some sleep. I did get about 10 hours last night, though I woke up twice, so it wasn’t as restful as it could have been, so it was more like two short naps and a long one, but it’s better than nothing right now.

Yesterday, for some reason, was a really hard day for me, in terms of dealing with an absent Soldier Boy. He is becoming increasingly frustrated with his job and his bosses over there; I’m stressed and sleepless over here; we’re feeding off each other’s stressed energies, and neither one of us can make the other feel better. This is one of those moments where if we could just have sex with each other, most of the stress would go away. TMI, I know, but it’s true. And it’s not so much the physical act, though that is indeed about half of it (because really, if we went out and had sex with other people just for the release, it wouldn’t fix anything as far as how we’re feeling; it’s not just about the release here), but it’s also about the lack of physical intimacy. Sure, I can see him, he can see me, but we can’t even have a basic intimate moment like holding hands or hugging or kissing. I think to just sit on the couch near one another at this point would do as much as having sex. And that’s what got me bummed out yesterday. On Saturdays we would spend the afternoon and evening doing nothing. I’d go workout in the morning, but then we’d plop down on the couch, watch whatever themed marathon was on Syfy, eat and drink and be silly and relaxed. Sometimes the roommate would join us, and sometimes he’d spring for pizza from our favorite joint. Sometimes there’d be furry piles of mutts on us. Sometimes if the marathon was especially unbearable, we’d have our own movie marathon. And then usually we’d pass out before midnight, but if we made it that far, then we’d go upstairs and watch a little bit of SNL before we passed out. And for some reason, yesterday, the desire to do that hit me really hard. It would have been a great afternoon to work on the development report or work on the other syllabus, but I couldn’t do it. So I had my own little marathon, drank, ate, and cried a little and just missed the SB for the rest of the afternoon. I just miss him so much. Some days I can deal. Other days are just really hard. I mean, I know he’ll be back. I’ll get to see him in five months. And then he’ll be back three months after that. And here it is already almost February, and I have a lot going on in the spring to keep my busy: 4 classes, the half marathon, two conferences (well, one I’m a panel chair, but we’ll see if it gets cancelled like it did last year, and the other, well, whether I’m presenting or not remains to be seen), and a family reunion. There’s tons to keep me occupied. But yesterday was not one of those days where I wanted to be occupied. I wanted to miss the SB and wallow. And I did. And I think it helped.

And the SB is on-line, so I gotta go.

*This obviously gives away where I grew up, but fuck it. Go Team!!